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10,000+ funny quotes

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Someone from 🇰🇿 has shared:

Desperately searching the dating app settings for an option to turn down the difficulty level.

Someone from 🇲🇳 has copied:

I want to be in Metallica, and they will not let me.

Someone from 🇩🇪 has copied:

Love how you can hear the crowd constantly forgetting the queen died and singing “God save the Quing”

Someone from 🇴🇲 has viewed:

Dogs have two jobs: calm their humans when they are stressed. Stress their humans when they are calm.

Someone from 🇪🇪 has bookmarked:

Writing ‘thanks.’ instead of ‘thanks!’ so you know I’m mad.

Someone from 🇵🇬 has shared:

I got Botox, and I asked the doctor, “How many years younger will this make me look?” and he was like, “Zero. You’ll just look like the other girls your age who have also gotten Botox.”

Someone from 🇰🇳 has bookmarked:

Waking up has backfired on me so many times.

Someone from 🇨🇦 has downloaded:

Just give your kids the iPad. They’re the ones who’ll be fighting cyborgs in the future.

Someone from 🇩🇴 has shared:

Socks teach us that being made for each other does not mean being together.

Someone from 🇧🇭 has downloaded:

Being single only sucks when you’re a little drunk and really want to flirt.

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Funny Quotes Total

15,753

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17,766

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15,753

Updated

Feb 3, 2026

Users Online

3,501

Social Media Log 💫

Live now on Discord:

I like how “energy bars” are really just candy bars, and we all pretend to not notice.

Just shared via YouTube:

You can talk about any topic for 30 mins if you’re a confident liar.

Freshly posted on Messenger:

Pluck a single eyebrow hair in 1994, and it never grows back. Pluck a single chin hair today, and it’s back with five friends by 6 p.m.

Just landed via Messenger:

Dear diary, sorry for only ever talking about myself. How are you? Do you have any hobbies?

Going viral on Messenger:

I now feel I’ve watched enough reruns of The Shawshank Redemption on basic cable that I’ll be able to successfully make it in prison.

Just landed via WeChat:

Kids be like, I see you have a moment to yourself, and I must correct that immediately.

Going viral on Telegram:

Someone has left me a voicemail. I don’t know what to do. Open the phone app? The contacts? Do I turn on the TV?

Going viral on Reddit:

Just realised if I have a kid, they’re likely to see the year 2100… WTF?

Spotted on Telegram:

Taking the day off to brush up on conspiracy theories and really get this Thanksgiving party started.

Freshly posted on Instagram:

Sunday should be 48 hours instead of 24. I need more time to be ready for Monday.

I love when people say, “In college, I wrote a paper on…” as if that holds any academic merit.

4 weeks ago

Witty quote about college papers and academic merit, with a playful, humorous vibe.

Download image ↓

Commentary:
Ah yes, my thesis on napping techniques during lectures really changed the world! 😂🎓📚

academic, academic merit, college, education, humor, i, love, merit, paper, people, sarcasm, say, writing

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59 shares on YouTube this month:

If I’m not spoken to, my morning grumpiness goes almost unnoticed.

57 shares on LinkedIn this month:

Most puns make me feel numb, but math puns make me feel number.

99 shares on WeChat this month:

“I’ve had cigarettes that were better than entire years of my life.”

80 shares on Facebook this month:

“Are we still going?” … An introvert’s attempt to cancel.

58 shares on Snapchat this month:

How can people lift weights? My arms get tired just by putting my hair up in a ponytail.

25 shares on Facebook this month:

That one unemployed roommate who gets a package every day.

24 shares on Discord this month:

I don’t want kids, but I do want grandkids. Hoping science finds a way.

26 shares on X this month:

My therapist says I’m preoccupied with revenge. She’s going to regret that.

97 shares on X this month:

Being single is better than asking a man to act like a man.

96 shares on Snapchat this month:

All these years on the internet we have been working for artificial intelligence.

Activity Log ✨

Someone from 🇧🇭 has downloaded:

Therapy isn’t enough. I need a new identity and a passport.

Someone from 🇷🇴 has viewed:

The one thing I’ve never had in my car’s glove box is a pair of gloves.

Someone from 🇳🇦 has downloaded:

I don’t even know what I’d do if a sailor called me a landlubber. I’d probably lose my cool.

Someone from 🇫🇲 has copied:

You’re an adult if you’re happy every time the mailbox is empty.

Someone from 🇫🇮 has downloaded:

There’s no-one who can get more drunk on power than the admin of a village Facebook group.

Someone from 🇧🇷 has bookmarked:

I wanna become so financially stable that God uses my pockets to bless others.

Someone from 🇵🇹 has bookmarked:

Not again. I mean good morning.

Someone from 🇼🇸 has downloaded:

I hate it when I’m cleaning the house and suddenly find a bowl of ice cream in my lap and my soap opera on.

Someone from 🇱🇰 has viewed:

I have a huge to-do list, I just have to figure out who’s gonna do it.

Someone from 🇳🇪 has shared:

Some people you look at or hear talking and think to yourself, the wheel may be turning, but the hamster is dead.

Social Media Log 💫

Freshly posted on Pinterest:

If you’re thinking what I’m thinking, you need professional help.

Just shared via Reddit:

Architects should try and design a house with no yelling.

Trending via Discord:

Gonna take the kids to the planetarium so they can watch YouTube on their phones.

Spreading quickly via TikTok:

Whenever someone says “Per ChatGPT” or “ChatGPT says,” I look at them like they just consulted a magic 8 ball because, please, stop playing with me.

Going bananas on LinkedIn:

My motivation and me: It’s complicated.

Shared recently on Slack:

Not pretty enough for Instagram, not funny enough for Twitter. Welcome to WhatsApp status.

Making waves on Snapchat:

If you send a man to war today, he’s gonna go there and take dark exposure aesthetic pics.

Shared recently on Facebook:

Home Depot should allow men over 40 to have birthday parties in their stores.

Just shared via LinkedIn:

Needing to rant and not wanting anyone to know your business is such a crazy combo.

Just landed via Pinterest:

Almost fell asleep while putting on the sweater because it got dark for a moment. That’s all you need to know about my morning state.

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Activity Log ✨

I love when people say, “In college, I wrote a paper on…” as if that holds any academic merit.

Self-care is smoking a solo blunt with music.

I had a hard time coping with the divorce. I’m fine now, but at first I was almost crazy with joy.

Shrimp: “When I grow up, I want to be food waste at a gala.”

“How is the job search going?” First of all, that is a violent question. And it hurts me, by the way. And second, how the hell should I know.

Lately I have the attention span of wait what?

Humble enough to know I can be replaced, but wise enough to know ain’t nobody else like me.

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Wordgag ツ

Activity Log ✨

I love when people say, “In college, I wrote a paper on…” as if that holds any academic merit.

Keep the laugh going 😂

Self-care is smoking a solo blunt with music.

I had a hard time coping with the divorce. I’m fine now, but at first I was almost crazy with joy.

Shrimp: “When I grow up, I want to be food waste at a gala.”

“How is the job search going?” First of all, that is a violent question. And it hurts me, by the way. And second, how the hell should I know.

Lately I have the attention span of wait what?

Humble enough to know I can be replaced, but wise enough to know ain’t nobody else like me.

Social Media Stars ⭐

Trending Topics 📁

Activity Log ✨