I once let a really short guy be the big spoon and it felt like I went to bed with a backpack on.

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Life is a highway: Too many cars, not enough bathrooms.

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Black Friday used to have heart. I wanna see someone get clocked for a Wii.

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An entire generation is currently studying for jobs that will not exist.

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If painting yourself into a corner was considered art, I’d be Michelangelo.

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Studies show that sleepwalking has decreased among Americans over the last 10 years. Typical lazy Americans.

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I dropped and broke my phone today. Hurt more than childbirth!

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I often message people with the weird idea that they’ll message me back.