I think God was high when he made me.

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All I know for sure is that I could be wrong.

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90s scientists: we cloned a sheep. we landed a robot on mars. Scientists today: for the last time, the earth is round.

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Doesn’t matter, Your Honor! I, for one, found it very funny.

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I’m not asking for a lot, I just want someone down to earth that’s gonna touch me all over like my shower curtain does.

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The French only eat snails because they don’t like fast food.

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Newborns cry because they’re being evicted.

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Some people stay in the past because that’s where they peaked.

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Whoever was the first to shorten “Richard” down to “Dick” must have really hated that guy.

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You know it’s been a successful Thanksgiving when your clothes no longer fit.

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My body is like an elastic band – no matter how I stretch it, it goes back to the nap position.