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I used to think โ€œ9 to 5โ€ means a job from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m.

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I thought it meant nine jobs to five cups of coffee per day! โ˜•๏ธ๐Ÿคฏ #MultitaskingMode



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A friend’s boyfriend is not my friend… that is a coworker, at best.

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I bought some coconut shampoo today. I got halfway home before I thought, โ€œI don’t even have a coconut!โ€

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You wake up at 6 a.m. and it’s like you have 48 hours instead of 24.

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I hope the ghost of Michael Jackson Hee-Heeโ€™s in your ear while you tryna sleep.

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The Velvet Underground probably wouldn’t have been so influential if I was at their shows with a giant magnet and pulled their guitars out of their hands.

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Being lazy has its advantages. I still have most of my winter fat from last year.

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Hate Google’s Gemini. If I wanted to get misinformation from a Gemini, I’d talk to my mother.

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Cannabis has many benefits. For example, it makes you retarded. But in addition, it also makes you lazy. No worries though, it also makes you fat and insane.

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Hey girl, are you a cigarette? Because I like cigarettes.

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Me, waiting on an email: What the hell is taking so long, this is ridiculous. Me, sending an email: this can probably wait another three weeks or so.

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