I want an apartment so big, it changes the way I laugh.

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Any room can be an escape room when you have diarrhea.

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I’ve literally never copied and pasted text and thought, “I’m so glad it kept the formatting and font from the other document.”

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Just walked by an empath and his head exploded.

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Being the forward-thinking person I am, I kept my winter fat through the summer.

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Toast doesn’t talk. How do you know it’s French?

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Men shouldn’t be allowed to download any app other than Wikipedia.

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I may not have lost all my marbles yet, but there’s a small hole in the bag somewhere.

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Inflation is actually a good thing, it means money is going viral.

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I would have loads of money if I liked Ramen Noodles and hated vodka.

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Please don’t buy my book on reverse psychology.