I was at a funeral yesterday and spiced things up by walking over to complete strangers and saying “Ignore what everyone else thinks. I, personally, have no issue with you being here”.

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Anyone who deals with customers on a professional basis should be allowed to hand out one face slap per day.

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I crashed my bike in 1989 and hurt my knee real bad. We didn’t have social media back then so I’m telling you guys now.

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You’re in his DMs, I’m outside his window with a JBL speaker streaming Taylor Swift.

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It’s all fun and games until your jeans don’t fit any more.

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Ruining the Olympics for my fiancée by, every time they mention Paris, saying, “that’s where Ratatouille lived”.

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I always carry a knife with me in case I run into someone with 10,000 spoons.

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Starting conversations with short people by saying “back when I was your height…”

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Babe, are you ok? You’ve barely talked about the horrors of being alive.

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You never realize how many curse words are in a song till you play it for your family.

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I was told to be more optimistic so I’ve decided french fries aren’t bad for me.