“I’m at a point in my life where I don’t go anywhere unless I absolutely have to.”

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Taking the day off to brush up on conspiracy theories and really get this Thanksgiving party started.

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Most people don’t listen at all, they just wait until they can continue talking.

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I tried counting sheep so I can fall asleep but that got boring, so I started talking to the shepherd instead.

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Most puns make me feel numb, but math puns make me feel number.

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Sleep is a free trial of death but with ads.

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Foo fighters still fighting foo.

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I’ve decided to give people an attitude instead of gifts this year.

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Just once I’d like my dog to give me a treat.

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And for my next trick, I’ll set your soul on fire.

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Me, as a vampire: Tell me, mortal, have you had any alcohol in the last 24 hours?