Just once, I want a username and password prompt to say: “Close Enough.”

59 shares on Snapchat this month:

It’s not my job to police the internet, but I just saw someone post a recipe for a cauliflower cake, and I reported them for harmful content.

69 shares on Snapchat this month:

Roses are red. I’m going to bed.

55 shares on WhatsApp this month:

Oh, gross. I didn’t know there was protein in this powder. I was only drinking it for the lead.

39 shares on Facebook this month:

The urge to pee in the morning is so aggressive. Bro, like, chill we’re getting there. Don’t threaten to come out.

15 shares on Pinterest this month:

Imagine being social on social media.

57 shares on Messenger this month:

Grateful to be living in the “Tetris when it’s going too fast and blocks are helplessly piling up” era of human history.

20 shares on Reddit this month:

This is the wrong generation for people with an old soul.

83 shares on Instagram this month:

I now feel I’ve watched enough reruns of The Shawshank Redemption on basic cable that I’ll be able to successfully make it in prison.

52 shares on Pinterest this month:

Girlfriend is temporary, ex-girlfriend is forever.

62 shares on LinkedIn this month:

Comments other people make during a movie are annoying. Comments I make during a movie enhance the experience.