Let the example of my fluke success guide nearly all of you to crushing disappointment.

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As I’m cleaning my room, this is a friendly reminder that you actually don’t need that free t-shirt or tote bag from that event.

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The ‘E’ in my name stands for ‘Everything you need.’

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Some people are so judgmental, I can tell by just looking at them.

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I’m a social media influencer in that I’ve influenced people to ignore me on social media.

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In my defense, Your Honor, I was left unsupervised.

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I changed my Facebook name to “Benefits.” Now, when people add me, it says, “You are now friends with benefits.”

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Just did my best horse impression and the doctor still won’t give me ketamine.

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Oh, sorry about bouncing my leg. I’m not allowed to slam my head into the walls anymore.

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Whenever I’m not eating a breakfast sandwich I wish I was eating a breakfast sandwich.

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Lie about the gap in your resume. Tell them you had to help some Hobbits take a ring to Mordor or something.