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Someone from 🇧🇳 has shared:

“I’ve never met a medical receptionist that I believed wanted me to live.”

Someone from 🇸🇲 has shared:

Vote for me and I will halve the calories in chocolate.

Someone from 🇹🇿 has shared:

When I gain weight, I should get to designate where on my body it goes.

Someone from 🇫🇮 has copied:

Being married means mostly shouting “What?” from other rooms.

Someone from 🇱🇰 has shared:

They say dress for the job you want, so I walk around dressed like Darth Vader.

Someone from 🇶🇦 has viewed:

Donating blood today to make room for more food.

Someone from 🇲🇹 has bookmarked:

A frittata is just an omelette for people too lazy to flip things.

Someone from 🇨🇭 has downloaded:

Welcome to your 50s: You’re not attracted to anyone who likes you.

Someone from 🇷🇸 has downloaded:

Patience: something you have when there are too many witnesses around.

Someone from 🇴🇲 has copied:

Toothache and heartache comes from the same thing, which is something sweet.

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Funny Quotes Total

15,752

Funny Quotes Topics

17,765

Funny Quotes Images

15,752

Updated

Jan 20, 2026

Users Online

3,570

Social Media Log 💫

Freshly posted on Telegram:

If it was really a smart phone, it would have recognize that it was an ignored call, not missed.

Just shared via Snapchat:

When you have finished reading this funny quote, you will be a little closer to death than before.

Freshly posted on TikTok:

Time machine? You mean a clock?

Going bananas on X:

Adult peer pressure is seeing your neighbor mow his lawn.

Broadcasted on Messenger:

Getting left on read really gives me perspective on what Nigerian princes go through.

Going viral on WhatsApp:

Sometimes I read a text and think, “What a psycho.” And then I press send.

Making waves on Threads:

Nothing says “not interested” quite like a Restraining Order.

Just shared via Threads:

I just really hope The Weeknd’s real name isn’t Mnday.

Trending via Slack:

I thrive in a waiting room. You need me to sit in a chair and look at my phone? No worries, love, I do this at home.

Just shared via X:

Computer dating is fine, if you’re a computer.

Let the example of my fluke success guide nearly all of you to crushing disappointment.

2 months ago

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Commentary:
"Following my lead: the express lane to comically epic failure! 🎢🤣 #GuideToDisappointment"

disappointment, example, failure, guide, humor, humor quote, irony, let, motivation, sarcasm, success

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58 shares on Threads this month:

It amazes me how much exercise and extra fries sound alike.

85 shares on YouTube this month:

I start off my mornings with coffee and low expectations.

65 shares on Telegram this month:

There is a special place reserved in hell for website designers who disable cut and paste in password fields.

85 shares on TikTok this month:

My issue with Jeopardy is that you never get the sense that the contestants are in any real danger.

11 shares on Messenger this month:

I tried meowing back at the cat to show him I was making an effort, but he just switched to English.

60 shares on Facebook this month:

Cleaning out your camera roll is like the biggest chore ever.

47 shares on Slack this month:

Sometimes, when you go with the flow you end up drowning with everyone else.

49 shares on Slack this month:

If you say something while exhaling smoke, it is 10 times more profound.

37 shares on TikTok this month:

I pray this boy wins in life. I wanna see him on top of me.

94 shares on Discord this month:

A McRib killed my tapeworm.

Activity Log ✨

Someone from 🇰🇿 has shared:

Salsa counts as a serving of vegetables, right?

Someone from 🇨🇷 has copied:

Love triangle? You mean this Dorito?

Someone from 🇹🇹 has bookmarked:

I’m at the age where the first thing I do when I get somewhere is look for a place to sit.

Someone from 🇼🇸 has downloaded:

Absent father sucks, but have you met the final boss, the father who is actually in your life every day but emotionally unavailable, lol.

Someone from 🇩🇴 has viewed:

Every time someone tries to fight with me online, a middle finger gets its wings.

Someone from 🇹🇴 has bookmarked:

I’m currently trying not to read anything about carbohydrates after 4pm.

Someone from 🇧🇸 has copied:

The light at the end of the tunnel is only the headlight of the oncoming train.

Someone from 🇦🇴 has copied:

The longer I stay home, the more homeless I look.

Someone from 🇰🇼 has shared:

If it doesn’t get a like in the first two years, I delete it.

Someone from 🇪🇪 has shared:

I listen to a lot of white noise, so I get really excited when it rains or someone turns on a fan. It’s like seeing my favorite band live.

Social Media Log 💫

Seen just now on Messenger:

I wish I was a kid again so everyone would be proud of me for taking a long nap.

Shared recently on LinkedIn:

According to the amount of bacon I just cooked. I’m a family of 8.

Spotted on Threads:

I wouldn’t walk 500 miles, and then walk 500 more.

Spotted on LinkedIn:

Every Jurassic Park movie should end with an insurance adjuster getting a phone call and immediately throwing up.

Broadcasted on Twitch:

Still don’t understand how girls with no jobs be holding iPhones.

Spotted on YouTube:

The first time you forgive out of love. The second time out of hope and the third time out of stupidity.

Broadcasted on Snapchat:

First date idea: unlock and switch phones with the other person for exactly two minutes and if no one is horrified then the date continues.

Shared recently on Twitch:

When I was a little kid, I used to think, “This little pig went to market,” meant it was going shopping!

Just shared via TikTok:

Dear nurses, you don’t have to announce my weight, just write it down. That’s why I have my eyes closed when I’m on the scale.

Shared recently on Snapchat:

If chickens knew how good they tasted, they would understand.

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Activity Log ✨

Let the example of my fluke success guide nearly all of you to crushing disappointment.

I’m so hungry, I could eat my own cooking.

I think fathers lose their mind a little bit when they realize their daughters aren’t as forgiving as their wives.

Don’t listen to any thoughts about yourself if your hair isn’t washed. It’s just not true.

Shouldn’t it have been called the ‘not answering machine’?

Cupid’s arrow should have just killed me instead.

Cute how I complain that my kids are spoiled when I’m the one who spoils them.

Social Media Stars ⭐

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Activity Log ✨

Let the example of my fluke success guide nearly all of you to crushing disappointment.

Keep the laugh going 😂

I’m so hungry, I could eat my own cooking.

I think fathers lose their mind a little bit when they realize their daughters aren’t as forgiving as their wives.

Don’t listen to any thoughts about yourself if your hair isn’t washed. It’s just not true.

Shouldn’t it have been called the ‘not answering machine’?

Cupid’s arrow should have just killed me instead.

Cute how I complain that my kids are spoiled when I’m the one who spoils them.

Social Media Stars ⭐

Trending Topics 📁

Activity Log ✨