Managers want a week of silence and meditation in order to be even more of a manager afterwards.

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I’m sorry for the things I said when there were too many noises at the same time.

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Unfollowing high school people really is a form of self-care.

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I taught my kids about democracy tonight by having them vote on which movie to watch and pizza to order. I then picked the movie and pizza because I’m the one with the money.

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If she says “you are my world” remember there are other planets. Stay alert, kings!

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If the first thing you do in the morning is checking your emails, you’re starting your day with other people’s problems.

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Sometimes, when I need a really good night’s sleep, I call my burrito guy to come over and tuck me in.

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I called the cops on my own party once because I was ready to go to bed.

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Everybody looks like a criminal on the self-checkout camera.

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Aliens probably lock their doors when they fly past Earth.

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Saving up ketchup packets in the fridge so I can one day open my own restaurant.