Managers want a week of silence and meditation in order to be even more of a manager afterwards.

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Body: time to fall asleep. Brain: hey, that’s an interesting thought, here’s six billion more.

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I’m not being smart, I’m just a skilled trained professional in pointing out the obvious.

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Having Twitter is just like reading the newspaper, except the newspaper is on fire and all the writers hate you.

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Teens be like, “I wanted to do that until you asked me to.”

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I could low-key really use a wish right now.

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Who called it asking the waiter about the specials and not retrieving data from the server?

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I know it hurts like hell, and you don’t think you can do it, but it’s just one push-up.

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I wish more dumb people were shy.

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This Monday could have been an email.

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Insulting me won’t work. I already said that to myself earlier.