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“It’s swimsuit season” I say, eating another swimsuit.

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That one unemployed roommate who gets a package every day.

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If I were god, I would’ve rested all 7 days.

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Yes, officer I saw the speed limit, I just didn’t see your car.

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To the tune of ‘Everybody Dance Now’: Himalayan Sea Salt

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Pressure washing is like regular washing but with a lot of yelling and tight deadlines.

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Grandparents are there to help the kids get into trouble and teach them stupid things they wouldn’t think of on their own.

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Vegans will look you dead in the eye and tell you cauliflower tastes like ribs.

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Doctors are always giving me Ibuprofen. Man, give me something I can sell.

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What’s said in the blanket fort, stays in the blanket fort.