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Every homemade dinner counts as negative calories because of the exercise we get waving pillows at the smoke detectors.

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Thinking about ignoring daily mess by creating new holiday decor mess.

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Sunday is proof that time travel exists, because it was just Friday.

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Does anyone know what to do, like in general?

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Iโ€™m not saving daylight. Iโ€™m the one that needs saving.

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And for my next trick, I’ll set your soul on fire.

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Keep your friend’s toast and your enemy’s toaster.

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Are French bulldogs actually French? They seem kinda Puerto Rican.

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Middle children as adults still trying to get attention because the oldest is being dramatic and the younger child is getting away with everything.

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I put the mess in domestic.

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Mister Sandman, bring me a meme. Make it the dumbest shit that I’ve ever seen.

Mister Sandman, bring me a meme. Make it the dumbest shit that I’ve ever seen.

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Dreaming of memes so bad, even the Sandman shakes his head ๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜ด๐Ÿ’ค

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Welcome to Wordgag! ๐Ÿ˜‰โœŒ๏ธ Enjoy endless laughter with our collection of funny quotes guaranteed to crack you up. ๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ’ฅ

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Someone from ๐Ÿ‡ฒ๐Ÿ‡ฑ has bookmarked:

Optimist: The glass is ยฝ full. Pessimist: The glass is ยฝ empty. Excel: The glass is January 2nd.

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For a long time, I didn’t know what to do with my strange thoughts. Then I signed up for Facebook.

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That place is so crowded; nobody goes there anymore.

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Took control of my life today and canceled my AOL subscription.

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ChatGPT is down right now and if you listen closely, you can hear millions of content creators screaming.

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Why can’t periods just last for an hour? Like, you made your point, I’m not pregnant, you can leave now.

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I used to blame all my problems on my parents, but now that Iโ€™m a grown up, I have come to terms with the fact that when bad things happen to me, itโ€™s probably just that Mercuryโ€™s in retrograde again.

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The urge to say โ€œyeah, you should do thatโ€, especially when you have no clue.

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Screen time so high, I should send another risky message and then ignore my cell phone for three days.

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The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.