My hobbies include trying to close the elevator doors before anyone else gets on.

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I should’ve been an air conditioner because all I do is vent.

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Some things are better left unsaid, but people get drunk and say them anyway.

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Everyone hates math until their paycheck looks funny, then all of a sudden you know trigonometry.

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Spice up your work day by drinking your coffee from a flask.

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When someone says “I expected more of you”, I’m always like “well who’s fault is that?”

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Why trust atoms? Because they’ve never been caught fibbing, just fission.

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Me, seeing a man proposing to a woman in public: Hey, this guy bothering you?

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“Tom Cruise does his own stunts!” Okay cool, but so do I.

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Not now darling, mummy’s influencing on the www.

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What have I done to deserve this? Oh yeah, right, I remember.