My only plan for this weekend is to move just enough so the people don’t think I’m dead.

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Fries, not lies.

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I don’t wanna meet your family, bring my plate to the car.

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He died doing what he did best, trying to get a croc to wear a Croc.

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The word synergy sounds like a mix of the words sin and energy. Like, to be debauched but to do it with flair and zest.

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“Be the bigger person” sounds too much like “accept the disrespect”.

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One year older today, and still no closer to growing up.

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Of course women need more pockets, where are we supposed to hold all of our grudges?

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Love is in the air fryer.

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Ever feel like you’re adulting, but only on the outside? Inside, you’re just a kid hoping someone else will make dinner.

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Apparently “ew no” is not an acceptable way to tell my boss I don’t want more responsibility at work.