Nothing bores me like twins who don’t look alike, you should’ve just dropped later if you’re not going to participate.

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I just sneezed into my elbow and now I’m waiting for a preschool teacher to praise me.

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Just walked by an empath and his head exploded.

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Doggystyle, so we can both look at the river.

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The worst thing I’ve seen as a paramedic is my paycheck.

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If I was lying down and someone came up and gave me tons of kisses and smooshed my face, I’d love it. I don’t know what my cat’s problem is.

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“I’ll worry about it next time.” Me pissing off future me.

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All my passwords are protected by short term memory loss.

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There should be a three-day weekend: one day to do nothing, one day to do something, and one day to do laundry.

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Some people post such depressing love shit that I start to miss their exes myself!

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Thinking of becoming the “where’s my hug” guy in prison.