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I just want someone to miss me the way my 3 year old nephew misses me when I go to the washroom.

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Everyone on the bus thinks that they are the main character, when in reality the main character is the bus.

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Iโ€™m feeling very anxious. I think this 7th mug of coffee will take the edge off.

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Sure, breakups are hard, but have you ever had to wait for your phone to stop ringing so you can start using it again?

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Money enters like Beyoncรฉ and exits like Britney.

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Sorry, I donโ€™t think I can hang out this weekend, my 4-year-old is still telling a joke.

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Grocery shopping before Christmas is a nightmare. My milk expired while I was waiting in line.

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My kids act like theyโ€™re afraid of monsters, when they are literally the most terrifying creatures Iโ€™ve ever met.

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Sunday is my favorite day to invent new things to worry about.

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There are two types of people: those who are clueless about their kidsโ€™ schedules and the other who plan it down to the minute. And they end up marrying each other.

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Of course, my summer body is ready; itโ€™s the same as my winter body but sweatier.

Of course, my summer body is ready; itโ€™s the same as my winter body but sweatier.

Commentary:
"Ready for summer! Just add sweat and you've got a complete transformation! ๐Ÿ˜…๐Ÿ’ฆ๐Ÿน"

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