On the one hand, I’d love to look sexy in a bikini. On the other hand, there’s cake.

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When physical labor became optional, we invented the gym. We’ll need the same thing for the mind.

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I walk around like everything’s fine, but deep down, inside my shoe, my sock is sliding off.

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The worst is when it’s too late to take a nap but too early to go to bed.

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Dads will insist the Masters is exciting while also napping through it.

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Don’t rush me, I’m still deciding whether I’ll be productive or not today!

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First caveman to see fire: Well, this is a buncha bullshit that no one needs (stomps it out) and I predict that’s the last I’ll ever see of that.

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You’re an atheist? Well, I don’t believe you. See how you like it.

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The best thing about driving in the snow is staying home.

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You’re all badass until that dust bunny in the corner is a real spider.

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The word “ugly” cannot be used on women, I’m sorry. Women just can’t be ugly, that’s a boy thing.