Perhaps an evening in the meditation cage will soothe you.

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I get sad when I see how old people my age are.

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My mother still has some really ugly things from the 90s. My older brother, for example.

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My Facebook friends are like my pen collection. I have 100 but only one writes.

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Words I heard most when I ran errands with my dad: “Wait in the truck.”

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If you buy something with a lifetime warranty and it breaks, the manufacturer will send a hitman to your house.

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Please don’t ask me to repeat myself. I wasn’t listening either.

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No, no, I’m listening, it just takes me some time to process so much stupidity all at once.

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Going to therapy is like having someone walk around your brain and going “ohhhh, this is how you’re living?!”

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My favorite hobby is withering away.

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Lately I have the attention span of wait what?