Pretty girls don’t compete. We sit pretty, count blessings, and ignore weird energy.

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Genuinely nothing worse than going bowling with people who are actually good. Like, why are you doing all that?

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Those who still fit in their wedding dresses years later haven’t been making enough effort eating.

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That awkward moment when someone gets angry at you for clicking a pen, but you have to click it one more time to use it.

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If you ever think you can solve a parenting problem by doing the opposite of what didn’t work last time, the universe will just be like “Lol, nice try, dummy!”

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A bathrobe is being naked with plausible deniability and pockets.

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She was rare. Like a meth head with good teeth.

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Women only want one thing and it is to walk down a dimly-lit cobblestone street with the devil.

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I let my cat smell every wine I drink so she can get a job as a sommelier and help pay my rent.

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Who is this Rorschach guy and where did he get all the pictures of my parents fighting?

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I toss and turn in bed all night like a beautiful rotisserie chicken.