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10,000+ funny quotes

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Someone from 🇳🇪 has copied:

Have kids so you can say things you never thought you would like “please don’t vacuum your sister”

Someone from 🇬🇾 has viewed:

Explaining myself is too much work. Please just judge me.

Someone from 🇸🇧 has viewed:

Every day, I’m gaslit into oblivion by beautiful women, and then I go to sleep.

Someone from 🇹🇯 has copied:

I don’t care for the term drug mule, why can’t it be a drug unicorn.

Someone from 🇸🇻 has viewed:

You’ve never burned music to a CD, and it shows.

Someone from 🇯🇵 has bookmarked:

Note to self: just because it’s in the map app’s directions, doesn’t mean the road is paved.

Someone from 🇵🇹 has bookmarked:

You can learn a lot about a person by observing their every waking movement from a tree outside their house.

Someone from 🇦🇬 has viewed:

I ain’t typing “X” into the URL bar, my wife is right behind me.

Someone from 🇨🇳 has copied:

We always asked “where is Waldo” but never “who is Waldo hiding from”.

Someone from 🇹🇿 has bookmarked:

My therapist is so lucky. I’m like a Netflix Original that pays her to watch.

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Funny Quotes Total

15,753

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17,766

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15,753

Updated

Feb 3, 2026

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Social Media Log 💫

Live now on Twitch:

My signature move is waving at someone who is waving at the person behind me.

Seen just now on Instagram:

The Welsh language was invented by a dad losing at Scrabble.

Going viral on Slack:

Sitting with my legs really wide to experiment with gender.

Going viral on Twitch:

Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.

Just landed via Snapchat:

I’m so tired. Let’s see all of the horrible things happening in the world today before I try to sleep peacefully.

Making waves on Discord:

My wife bought new towels and they’re different colors, so I know the entire color scheme of my house is about to change.

Spreading quickly via WhatsApp:

Choosing to ignore my strangely symbolic dream because I have a lot going on right now already.

Shared recently on WeChat:

I’ve taken a long, hard look at myself. I won’t be doing that again.

Trending via Instagram:

The best way to contact me is to meet me in my dreams at 3 a.m.

Going viral on Messenger:

Coughing has finally overtaken speaking Arabic as the most taboo thing to do in an airport.

Pro tip: When you sign up for anything online, put the website’s name as your middle name. Now, when you receive spam, you will know who sold your data.

2 weeks ago

Funny Quotes

Witty advice about online privacy and spam, with a humorous tone.

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Commentary:
Thanks to my middle name, I'm officially "David Facebook Amazon Netflix Smith." Talk about an identity crisis! 😂📧🔍

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Social Media Stars ⭐

21 shares on Twitch this month:

When planning dinner, remember that ice-cream has both calcium and protein.

30 shares on Reddit this month:

Wine must breathe. I always hear that wine needs to breathe. I want to drink it and not revive it.

85 shares on X this month:

Why are “hemorrhoids” not called “assteroids”?

27 shares on TikTok this month:

I don’t care if I’m standing in the window, if I said I ain’t home, I ain’t home.

29 shares on Pinterest this month:

If you breakdance you buy dance.

32 shares on LinkedIn this month:

If I walk into a girl’s house and she got like 50 plants, I know she’s a keeper because she already takes care of a bunch of useless things. What’s one more?

32 shares on WhatsApp this month:

I wonder if the guy who came up with the term “One Hit Wonder” came up with any other phrases?

34 shares on WeChat this month:

If food delivery apps had never been invented, I would either be wildly rich or dead.

74 shares on X this month:

Shazam, but for whatever the hell goes on in the apartment upstairs.

92 shares on Messenger this month:

Whenever I close an app and immediately open it back up, I really feel how dire it all is.

Activity Log ✨

Someone from 🇲🇺 has shared:

Being an adult is mumbling ‘this is stupid’ as you reluctantly slide out of bed.

Someone from 🇲🇼 has viewed:

It took three employees to help me complete “self-checkout” yesterday.

Someone from 🇱🇺 has downloaded:

Texting random numbers “It’s done.”

Someone from 🇳🇷 has downloaded:

The first sin in the Bible was eating an apple. The second was murder. That escalated quickly.

Someone from 🇧🇯 has copied:

It doesn’t matter how old you get, buying snacks for a road trip should always look like an unsupervised 9-year-old was given $100.

Someone from 🇳🇿 has copied:

One day I’ll have a sassy, know-it-all daughter, and my husband will say, “She got that from you,” and I can’t wait.

Someone from 🇲🇹 has copied:

“I asked Grok.” “I asked ChatGPT.” Well, I’ve sacrificed a sheep.

Someone from 🇲🇻 has copied:

Apparently I lack empathy, according to some stupid cow in HR.

Someone from 🇬🇭 has downloaded:

Being on a diet isn’t so bad if you don’t follow it.

Someone from 🇧🇯 has shared:

Some people get weird as they get older. Not me, though. I’ve always been weird.

Social Media Log 💫

Going viral on X:

Sorry, I can’t today, I have to rot in bed and squander my potential.

Spotted on X:

Having a crush as an adult is soooo embarrassing. I’m literally too old for this. I’m gonna learn how to forge a sword.

Seen just now on YouTube:

Half princess, half menace.

Seen just now on Threads:

In case any nudes of me should appear somewhere: It was very cold that day.

Just shared via TikTok:

As president, I will allow people to use the same password as before when changing their password.

Making waves on Reddit:

Sorry, I don’t think I can hang out this weekend, my 4-year-old is still telling a joke.

Going bananas on LinkedIn:

Sometimes I wish I had a speed bump between my brain and my mouth.

Shared recently on Pinterest:

I might start telling people I’m 10 years older than I actually am just so they can tell me how great I look for my age.

Going viral on Discord:

I’ve shouted so much sporting advice from my sofa already this summer. It’s very tiring but hopefully it’s helping.

Going viral on Slack:

Shade coming from a tree bearing no fruit could never phase me. Carry on.

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Activity Log ✨

Pro tip: When you sign up for anything online, put the website’s name as your middle name. Now, when you receive spam, you will know who sold your data.

After a vacation, I usually return to work with a fresh, reenergized hatred for my job.

All mushrooms are edible. Some only once.

In your 20s, you will be tempted to prove that you’re doing well. It’s important you resist performing for an audience that isn’t watching.

I don’t know who is writing my story, but they got to throw in a win somewhere or put the pen down. I need a break.

I was the most patient parent and then I had kids.

Social Media Stars ⭐

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Wordgag ツ

Activity Log ✨

Pro tip: When you sign up for anything online, put the website’s name as your middle name. Now, when you receive spam, you will know who sold your data.

Keep the laugh going 😂

After a vacation, I usually return to work with a fresh, reenergized hatred for my job.

All mushrooms are edible. Some only once.

I think every app should, by law, let you deactivate all of its short-form video content.

In your 20s, you will be tempted to prove that you’re doing well. It’s important you resist performing for an audience that isn’t watching.

I don’t know who is writing my story, but they got to throw in a win somewhere or put the pen down. I need a break.

I was the most patient parent and then I had kids.

Social Media Stars ⭐

Trending Topics 📁

Activity Log ✨