Putting away the Christmas tree. Sad day for cats.

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I made a clone of myself to do the dishes, another to do the laundry, and another to do the cooking, but we’re all sitting on the couch watching TV.

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Been whispering “I like invented her” about my newborn every few hours.

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My workout goals are simple: I’d just like to be able to get up off the floor without looking like a turtle trying to flip itself back over.

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Contrary to what we currently believe, we don’t choose afternoon naps. Afternoon naps choose us.

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We should be able take jets and tanks and stuff whenever we want, we paid for them.

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People keep wishing January was over like the worst month of the year isn’t coming up next. Thats like wishing someone would stop arguing with you and just punch you in the face.

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Autumn and winter are coming. The time when I make myself tea and always forget that I’ve made myself tea.

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Female breasts are nature’s anti-stress balls. The irony is that they are connected to the biggest stress-inducing device.

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I am not in a good place, geographically.

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It’s always annoying to be woken up by some guy mowing his lawn. Just go around me, man.