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10,000+ funny quotes

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Someone from 🇲🇼 has viewed:

Ruin a perfectly nice trip out with your child by bringing your child.

Someone from 🇦🇴 has shared:

Apparently, stress balls are not supposed to be thrown at people who are stressing you out.

Someone from 🇱🇻 has downloaded:

After ten true crime podcasts you start to think you could probably solve a murder. After a hundred you start to think you could probably get away with one.

Someone from 🇿🇼 has viewed:

I respectfully ignore DMs because I promise you, I am not your soulmate.

Someone from 🇱🇮 has viewed:

Getting money from the Tooth Fairy is a gateway drug to organ trafficking.

Someone from 🇬🇷 has viewed:

At the airport, and a wife asked her husband, “Where are our seats?” and he responds, “In the airplane.”

Someone from 🇬🇦 has downloaded:

Not to brag, but I skipped my mid-life crisis and went straight to cranky old man.

Someone from 🇬🇪 has copied:

If you’re a dude and you’re having a bad day, just remember, no one cares.

Someone from 🇮🇱 has shared:

My desire to be informed is currently at odds with my desire to remain sane.

Someone from 🇬🇦 has viewed:

Pleasing everyone, that’s impossible. Making everyone angry, piece of cake!

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Funny Quotes Total

15,753

Funny Quotes Topics

17,766

Funny Quotes Images

15,753

Updated

Jan 31, 2026

Users Online

3,452

Social Media Log 💫

Just landed via WeChat:

Anytime someone comments on my weight, I try to ignore them and keep my chins up.

Shared recently on YouTube:

Career anxiety hitting at random hours of the day.

Seen just now on Pinterest:

Is there a job where I can lay on the floor and listen to music?

Making waves on WhatsApp:

Sure, sex is great, but have you ever closed a dozen tabs after finishing an academic paper?

Shared recently on Slack:

Before I drink, I eat liver so the liquor won’t know which liver to attack.

Broadcasted on Instagram:

I get sad whenever they’re mean to Zoidberg in Futurama.

Going bananas on WeChat:

Nudes are played out. Send me a video of you reading out loud so I know you’re not dumb.

Freshly posted on Pinterest:

If you talk about astrology, and no one stops you, it means you must be incredibly pretty.

Freshly posted on Reddit:

It’s so funny that people directly compare Dune and Furiosa when all that they have in common is that there’s sand.

Going viral on Discord:

Told a couple of jokes at a Zoom meeting. Turns out I’m not even remotely funny.

Relationship goal: synchronizing our eye rolls.

3 months ago

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93 shares on Snapchat this month:

Automated phone system: To speak to a representative, please enter the last twelve digits of Pi.

78 shares on X this month:

In a turn of unexpected events, I need to learn karate by tomorrow morning.

47 shares on Threads this month:

Steve Jobs was a vibe coder. He just prompted Steve Wozniak.

65 shares on YouTube this month:

I love when toddlers passionately talk to you about absolutely nothing.

43 shares on LinkedIn this month:

They all cheat, lie and manipulate. Just pick the pretty one.

55 shares on Facebook this month:

And is the financial stability in the room with us right now?

44 shares on X this month:

How old is older? Because I’m still waiting for this wise thing to kick in.

80 shares on Reddit this month:

I keep my mind active by worrying.

56 shares on Slack this month:

Why do we say ‘slept like a baby’? Babies wake up every two hours crying. I want to sleep like my cat—14 hours, no responsibilities, zero regrets.

65 shares on Facebook this month:

Babe, you have to believe me. I followed that porn star because I like her political views.

Activity Log ✨

Someone from 🇸🇳 has shared:

Me, at the intervention: “Ah look, all the reasons I drink gathered in one place.”

Someone from 🇬🇦 has shared:

Do y’all ever get pre-annoyed? Like, you already know someone is about to piss you off.

Someone from 🇻🇪 has copied:

The problem with parental controls is I need my kid to help me figure out how to set them up.

Someone from 🇲🇻 has viewed:

Be the one that gets asked to remove the hockey mask, during a conference call, on Friday the 13th.

Someone from 🇦🇪 has bookmarked:

Whoever named frogs got it 100% right. Those things are frogs.

Someone from 🇲🇦 has downloaded:

You don’t use a semicolons correctly; you use a semicolon confidently.

Someone from 🇲🇲 has bookmarked:

If your girlfriend doesn’t go a little psycho on you from time to time, then she’s not in love with you, sweetie.

Someone from 🇬🇳 has viewed:

I am the first person in my bloodline to attempt to become hot, and I can feel my genes fighting me every step of the way.

Someone from 🇧🇸 has copied:

Marriages are like pancakes. Sometimes you gotta throw the first one out.

Someone from 🇸🇰 has copied:

Not all works of art are in a museum. I, for example, am lying on the couch at home.

Social Media Log 💫

Broadcasted on YouTube:

Hell hath no fury like a toddler getting his nose wiped.

Spotted on YouTube:

I got one brain cell left and it moves around my head like a Windows screensaver.

Just shared via YouTube:

For all those wondering, yes, I am retired. I was tired yesterday, and I am tired again today.

Live now on Pinterest:

A funny thing about the Heimlich Maneuver is that it’s impossible to pronounce if you’re choking.

Just shared via Reddit:

Hanging out with your parents as an adult is so interesting, cause it’s like, “Oh, so that’s why I’m like this.”

Breaking via Twitch:

Why’s it always “NYC smells like pee” and never “my pee smells like the greatest city in the world”?

Breaking via WeChat:

I’m gonna turn all this pain into something beautiful, like a tweet or a close friends story.

Just landed via Twitch:

Sorry I missed your call, I was staring in horror at the screen, wondering why on earth you couldn’t just text me.

Shared recently on LinkedIn:

I taught my kids about democracy tonight by having them vote on which movie to watch and pizza to order. I then picked the movie and pizza because I’m the one with the money.

Making waves on Facebook:

Life is full of questions. Idiots are full of answers.

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Activity Log ✨

Relationship goal: synchronizing our eye rolls.

These days I just accept the website cookies without any protest. Website is like Grandma, I’m not gonna fight with you.

The universe consists of 5% protons, 5% neutrons, 5% electrons, and 85% morons.

Worst fears: 1. being infertile 2. being pregnant.

I bet she doesn’t even laugh at your dumb jokes the fake way I did.

Whenever I’m not eating a breakfast sandwich I wish I was eating a breakfast sandwich.

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Relationship goal: synchronizing our eye rolls.

Keep the laugh going 😂

These days I just accept the website cookies without any protest. Website is like Grandma, I’m not gonna fight with you.

The universe consists of 5% protons, 5% neutrons, 5% electrons, and 85% morons.

Worst fears: 1. being infertile 2. being pregnant.

I bet she doesn’t even laugh at your dumb jokes the fake way I did.

Whenever I’m not eating a breakfast sandwich I wish I was eating a breakfast sandwich.

People in my real life annoy me, so I come online to annoy you.

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