Relationship status: my sex robot filed a restraining order.

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So many spreadsheets and not once did I feel excelled.

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I’m feeling very anxious. I think this 7th mug of coffee will take the edge off.

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All women want is to consistently annoy one handsome man forever.

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FOMO? No, I’ve got FOBI. Fear of being invited.

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Silence is golden. But duct tape is silver.

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I see no action figures, puzzles, or board games. I thought you said you wanted to play with me.

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You can name literally any food or drink to the dentist and they’ll be like “ohhh, that’s actually so bad for your teeth. You should only eat water and toothpaste.”

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During arguments with idiots, I wish I could throw a flash bang and disappear.

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Thinking of telling my extra weight that I love it so that it can leave me too.

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My problem with Christmas shopping is that I keep seeing things that I like… for me.