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I just lost all my tabs. Only now do I understand the tragedy that was the burning of the Library of Alexandria.

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Letโ€™s lay on the couch together, play on our phones, and ignore each other, babe.

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My favorite 90s skill: Uninstalling my car stereo and hiding it in my glove box in under 15 seconds.

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I get it, drug commercials. I too like to dance while I describe all my side effects.

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Deodorant? No, I never need to buy any. People just give it to me. Complete strangers sometimes.

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You ever go to a baseball game and hear a guy yelling, โ€œhot dogs! hot dogs!โ€ over and over again? Thatโ€™s me, looking for hot dogs.

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I have had songs stuck in my head and I have had people stuck in my head, I highly recommend songs.

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The best cuddles are the ones where you don’t have to deflate her when you’re done.

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The one thing I think most parents need to realize is, thereโ€™s absolutely no secrets that your child doesnโ€™t share about you in the classroom.

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I want to be cremated so that I will get a smoking-hot body again.

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Scooby-Doo led me to believe that if I were ever really scared, I should run super-fast in place.

Scooby-Doo led me to believe that if I were ever really scared, I should run super-fast in place.

Commentary:
Guess I'll start practicing my on-the-spot treadmill skills for ghost season! ๐Ÿ‘ป๐Ÿƒโ€โ™‚๏ธ๐Ÿ˜‚

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