Stop asking me if I’m tired. Can’t I just be ugly?

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Good morning to everyone who doesn’t get on my nerves.

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Googling symptoms until you cry.

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Nobody told me that it takes 1-2 business days to put a snow outfit on a toddler.

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Money talks, but all mine ever says is goodbye.

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Well, well, well, if it isn’t that thing I’ve been ignoring until it became a giant problem.

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Stop hating yourself for everything. Be specific.

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My train of thought derailed. There were no survivors.

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When buying presents I like to think, what would Jesus have got you? So yeah, enjoy your fish sandwich.

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When I was a kid, there were two ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents.

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I knew the date was going well when we shared a glass of gravy with two straws.