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If Pokรฉmon were real, state fairs would serve them deep fried on a stick.

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Yesterday I went to a fight and a baseball game broke out.

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The worst person you know is studying psychology.

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Yes officer, Iโ€™d like to file a restraining order against my dentistโ€™s appointment reminder system.

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He had the nerve to call me pretty. I’m gorgeous.

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Being gracefully insane is the only way to survive lifeโ€™s daily bullshit.

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Mr. Mixed Signals decided he likes me today.

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Before sleeping, most people will imagine stuff they want to happen. Like sleeping.

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โ€œAt your big ageโ€ is one of my favorite insults.

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If I’m ever on life support, unplug me, then plug me back in. See if that works.

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Studies show that people with high IQs tend to be lazy, or something like that. I didn’t read the whole article.

Studies show that people with high IQs tend to be lazy, or something like that. I didn’t read the whole article.

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When laziness meets genius: procrastination becomes a superpower ๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿง ๐Ÿ“š



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Imagine thinking you have all the answers.

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Tuah Kill a Hawkingbird

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Play the long game? You mean Monopoly?

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Calling the police when someone unfollows.

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“Can you explain the gap in your resume?” I went missing in a national park.

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