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10,000+ funny quotes

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Someone from 🇿🇲 has shared:

Digging my own grave, because I gotta do everything around here.

Someone from 🇧🇬 has shared:

The only difference between hungry and horny is where you insert the cucumber.

Someone from 🇱🇨 has bookmarked:

Eating Halloween candy and putting up my Christmas tree because nothing matters anymore.

Someone from 🇨🇩 has copied:

Your reply guys are like Pooh Bear. They wear no pants and are relentlessly trying to get in your honeypot.

Someone from 🇪🇨 has downloaded:

I’m not fat. I just eat in advance.

Someone from 🇭🇷 has bookmarked:

Seeing a grown man stumble when the train moves is disgusting. How will you provide for anyone?

Someone from 🇨🇭 has viewed:

The closest thing I’ve had to a personal trainer is the ice cream truck that drove past my house.

Someone from 🇧🇩 has copied:

Having a job is crazy. When you’re at home, you feel lonely and want to go to work. When you’re at work, you’re exhausted and just want to go home.

Someone from 🇸🇬 has shared:

Having a crush on a girl makes you think things like, yes, let me make more money.

Someone from 🇭🇹 has viewed:

I don’t do exercise because one time I kneed myself in the face doing a burpee.

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Funny Quotes Total

15,752

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15,752

Updated

Jan 19, 2026

Users Online

3,250

Social Media Log 💫

Broadcasted on YouTube:

Porn is free, so why are you in my DMs?

Just shared via Pinterest:

Every house is a dream house when you can’t afford one.

Spotted on Reddit:

Saw a shooting star and made a wish for everyone to stop talking to me.

Breaking via LinkedIn:

I do block people right away; you’re not going to stress me out on my own phone, with my own internet, and in my own house.

Freshly posted on YouTube:

Listen to the birds, not the news.

Shared recently on LinkedIn:

I came home to find my boyfriend mopping the floor and my first thought was, “who’d he kill?”

Just landed via Threads:

Santa Claus isn’t real. Ain’t no man checking a list twice.

Shared recently on X:

I like to push myself out of my comfort zone by sometimes sitting on the other end of my sofa.

Just landed via Threads:

I used to be cool and now I say things like “It’s so loud in here, I can’t hear myself think”.

Seen just now on Facebook:

Every day Facebook tells me I have memories and wants to show them to me. It’s like they have no appreciation for the cost or the amount of liquor I needed to erase them.

The best part of getting older? I can wake up on my day off, without an alarm, at the same time my alarm would go off.

3 weeks ago

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Getting older means I've unlocked the superpower of being an alarm clock, even on weekends 🤦‍♂️⏰😂

aging, alarm, best, day, day off, getting, getting older, humor, i, older, routine, same, sleep, time, wake, waking, waking up

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91 shares on LinkedIn this month:

No, don’t worry about him, babe. That’s just my soulmate.

93 shares on Twitch this month:

That one British friend that’s too bloke.

91 shares on WhatsApp this month:

They should invent a type of situation that improves.

10 shares on Threads this month:

She doesn’t want flowers, she wants to invoke an ancient curse.

42 shares on Facebook this month:

Now I understand why old people sit outside just to sit outside.

58 shares on Snapchat this month:

Went to the gym two days in a row. This is a fitness account now.

49 shares on Slack this month:

My toxic trait is treating my glasses like they’re not the most expensive thing I wear everyday.

79 shares on TikTok this month:

Adulting is realizing you can’t skip work like you skipped school.

12 shares on Discord this month:

I finally used a screw from the random screw collection I’ve been accumulating for 25 years, and I’ve never felt so alive.

74 shares on Discord this month:

Source??? Pattern recognition.

Activity Log ✨

Someone from 🇹🇱 has copied:

We need a word for that weird feeling you get when you learn what a podcaster looks like.

Someone from 🇲🇽 has downloaded:

There is too much happening for mid-December. Where are the canceled meetings? Why are we not circling back next year?

Someone from 🇸🇩 has shared:

Cats must think we’re so weird for constantly harvesting their poop.

Someone from 🇧🇹 has shared:

I really don’t care what happens to me romantically anymore.

Someone from 🇦🇴 has copied:

Accept who you are. Unless you’re a serial killer.

Someone from 🇨🇬 has downloaded:

Autocorrect is like a tiny person inside your phone that sometimes gets drunk and says the dumbest things.

Someone from 🇧🇭 has downloaded:

Relationship status: you’d think something called a Roomba would be a better dancer.

Someone from 🇯🇴 has downloaded:

Words I heard most when I ran errands with my dad: “Wait in the truck.”

Someone from 🇧🇫 has shared:

“How is the job search going?” First of all, that is a violent question. And it hurts me, by the way. And second, how the hell should I know.

Someone from 🇸🇴 has copied:

Being an adult is realizing $1000 is little money to have, but a lot to owe.

Social Media Log 💫

Spotted on Facebook:

Before I started my own business, I would suffer from anxiety on Sunday nights. But now that I run my own business, I have anxiety every night.

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Activity Log ✨

The best part of getting older? I can wake up on my day off, without an alarm, at the same time my alarm would go off.

Whenever my Mother-in-Law’s stories end with “And I turned out OK” I’m looking around like who’s gonna tell her.

This year has been the perfect blend between me losing my mind and having the time of my life.

The peace of not knowing.

Nothing has paid off less than learning to do the Macarena.

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Activity Log ✨

The best part of getting older? I can wake up on my day off, without an alarm, at the same time my alarm would go off.

Keep the laugh going 😂

Whenever my Mother-in-Law’s stories end with “And I turned out OK” I’m looking around like who’s gonna tell her.

This year has been the perfect blend between me losing my mind and having the time of my life.

People are too judgmental these days… I can tell just by looking at them.

Back in my day, if you were 14 on the internet, you kept that to yourself.

The peace of not knowing.

Nothing has paid off less than learning to do the Macarena.

Social Media Stars ⭐

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