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Microdosing bungee jumping by bending over to pick up a hair tie.

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โ€œIโ€™m still youngโ€, I tell myself, as my knees make popping noises while standing up.

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Normalize throwing lamps at people who need to lighten up.

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If a man says he’ll fix it, he will fix it. There’s no need to remind him every six months.

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What are some beginner pieces of information for somebody just getting into knowledge?

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Some things are better left unsaid, unless you’re on X.

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When pregnant women are around, watch what you say. Nowadays, anything will be used as a name.

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This salad tastes like I’d rather be fat.

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To whoever stole my oversized clock, you owe me big time.

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If a man speaks in the forest and his wife is not there to hear him, is he still wrong?

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They should send the Epstein list to everyone’s phones like that U2 album.

They should send the Epstein list to everyone’s phones like that U2 album.

Commentary:
Finally, a list on my phone I actually want to read ๐Ÿ“ฑ๐Ÿ˜‚ #EpsteinAlbum

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Someone from ๐Ÿ‡ฒ๐Ÿ‡ป has bookmarked:

Hey (with the intention of making your fries my fries).

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I have been nothing but creepy and aggressive to you. Please respond.

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Whenever an insect rides for miles on my car, I imagine it thinking: “Oh crap, moving again!”

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Strict parents raise good liars.

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Itโ€™s like my therapist always says, thatโ€™ll be $175.

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The Jaws theme stays on during sex.

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The way time stretches between the moment you put your hands under the air dryer and the realization it is in fact a paper towel dispenser.

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I could own a thousand summer dresses, and it still wouldn’t be enough.

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Not to brag or anything, but I can forget what Iโ€™m doing while Iโ€™m doing it.

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Patience: something you have when there are too many witnesses around.