Toothpaste sure knows how to ruin whatever you’re drinking.

Someone from 🇴🇲 has copied:

The hottest thing a man can be is boring in his 30s.

Someone from 🇦🇬 has shared:

First date idea: we deactivate your Instagram.

Someone from 🇩🇯 has viewed:

Petition to change the name of rice cakes to something else as they are 100% rice and 0% cake and I’m tired of all the gaslighting.

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If I say goodnight and an hour later you see me online, it’s not that I lied; it’s just that I failed.

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I shall have another coffee, for I am sleeping standing.

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Tall people make me nervous. What the hell are you doing up there? Stop eating the leaves off that tree.

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In other news, congrats to my therapist for securing a 4 year contract with me.

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Taking my heart off my sleeve, I fold it up neatly and carefully place it back inside my chest.

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Before the internet, going viral meant your drawing made it to the fridge, and your sibling was furious.

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April fools prank: replace all the sugar in your house with cocaine.