Tried online dating, and it turns out my soulmate is a Nigerian prince who needs my bank details to escape his kingdom.

38 shares on Telegram this month:

Today I was in a taxi, and the taxi driver said, “I love my job. I am my own boss, nobody tells me what to do!” Then I said, “Turn left.”

97 shares on Pinterest this month:

Every single morning, I have to get out of bed and do things, and it’s bullshit.

16 shares on Reddit this month:

Two words have helped me open a lot of doors in my life. Push and Pull.

89 shares on WeChat this month:

I miss the days when our biggest argument was whether West Coast or East Coast rap was better.

46 shares on Messenger this month:

I’m bringing back “hold your horses” and nobody can stop me.

31 shares on LinkedIn this month:

If I’m wrongly accused of a crime, I’m going to prison. I’m way too introverted to have an alibi.

99 shares on Pinterest this month:

Imagine you’re living inside a tiny mushroom house… with a tiny chimney… deep in the woods… no one knows you exist… you make soup in a tiny pot… you are free.

53 shares on WhatsApp this month:

Whenever someone tells me how well behaved my kids are, I say it’s cause they’re not at home.

67 shares on Discord this month:

Rabbits jump and they live for 8 years. Dogs run and they live for 15 years. Turtles do nothing and live for 150 years. Lesson learned.

14 shares on Threads this month:

Nike: Just Do It! Me: I don’t want to.