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10,000+ funny quotes

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Someone from 🇰🇪 has viewed:

Things were better when the computer lived in its own specific room, and you only went in there sometimes.

Someone from 🇩🇰 has viewed:

Anyone know how to get an air guitar out of a vacuum?

Someone from 🇸🇻 has bookmarked:

It took three employees to help me complete “self-checkout” yesterday.

Someone from 🇲🇼 has bookmarked:

Every homemade dinner counts as negative calories because of the exercise we get waving pillows at the smoke detectors.

Someone from 🇧🇯 has copied:

Relationship status: my sex robot filed a restraining order.

Someone from 🇸🇰 has copied:

Sometimes I do something completely out of character, like say no to a slice of pizza, or trust someone.

Someone from 🇫🇷 has viewed:

Isolation, the most goated coping mechanism. I love talking to no one and losing my mind alone.

Someone from 🇳🇵 has bookmarked:

I have a mental illness that makes me think that people will change their minds if I present the correct arguments with the appropriate facts and data.

Someone from 🇺🇦 has downloaded:

Can someone come over and take this phone away from me?

Someone from 🇧🇷 has viewed:

If you ever get attacked by a shark, just be a good sport about it and let it eat you. Hey, look on the bright side: It’s a rare occurrence, so you’re special.

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Funny Quotes Total

15,753

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17,766

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15,753

Updated

Feb 3, 2026

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Social Media Log 💫

Seen just now on Reddit:

Websites need to realize that no one ever, ever wants the site to be able to send them notifications.

Shared recently on Instagram:

There are advantages to living alone: everything always stays where you put it. There are disadvantages to living alone: everything always stays where you put it.

Freshly posted on Discord:

I don’t need to bring anything to a knife fight, because I don’t go to knife fights.

Trending via Reddit:

Potatoes make French fries, chips and vodka. It’s like the other vegetables aren’t even trying.

Just shared via WhatsApp:

To all the people with grammatical issues, don’t worry, I also have problems with badly timed periods.

Seen just now on Slack:

Every time I see a couple riding a tandem bike, I try to figure out which one of them is pissed about it.

Going bananas on Snapchat:

Don’t give up on your dreams. If cauliflower can be pizza and zucchini can be noodles, you too can be anything you want.

Spotted on Twitch:

I’m at the age where I won’t make eye contact with someone because they look like a “talker.”

Spotted on Facebook:

My secret talent is turning any situation into a considerably more awkward one.

What would you do if you were in my situation right now? The situation being that I’m drunk.

4 weeks ago

Funny quote about feeling drunk and questioning what to do next. Playful and witty.

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Commentary:
I'd probably be trying to have a serious conversation with a cat right now! 🐱🍷😂

being, drunk, humor, intoxication, question, right, situation

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73 shares on YouTube this month:

To all of you who have never tried blindfold archery: You don’t know what you’re missing!

64 shares on YouTube this month:

A tip for your next salary negotiation: simply tell your boss “either I get a pay rise or I go out and tell everyone I got one!”

80 shares on Slack this month:

Who needs a period calendar when I know I’ll have it when I’m crying over nonsense things.

96 shares on Discord this month:

I can’t believe the gall of this bladder.

80 shares on Instagram this month:

I eat cake because it’s somebody’s birthday somewhere.

18 shares on Twitch this month:

Welcome to your 40’s. You now have a favorite vegetable peeler.

82 shares on Slack this month:

Hanging out with a couple and saying, “May this love never find me,” every time there’s a slight conflict.

67 shares on WhatsApp this month:

One thing I love about the internet is seeing some of the most hateful people posting inspirational quotes.

51 shares on Slack this month:

You can’t have everything… where would you put it?”

57 shares on WhatsApp this month:

The one thing to know about me is I always get the last laugh. And oh yes, it’s maniacal.

Activity Log ✨

Someone from 🇬🇦 has viewed:

I eat cake every day because somewhere out there it’s someone’s birthday and I like to celebrate.

Someone from 🇲🇨 has bookmarked:

Y’all be riding them bikes in the street like I don’t gotta look up my next song.

Someone from 🇨🇺 has copied:

Not to be dramatic, but learning how to read has ruined my life.

Someone from 🇩🇯 has downloaded:

My life is based on a true story.

Someone from 🇲🇳 has downloaded:

I don’t understand why it isn’t socially acceptable to choose to be nocturnal. The angry hot sky ball is gone, my internet is fast, everyone finally shut up, what’s not to like.

Someone from 🇿🇲 has shared:

(pausing the TV and turning to my kids) Now I want to talk to you guys for a second about what Bart just told that man to do.

Someone from 🇻🇳 has shared:

Dating a smart man, so I actually can turn my brain off when he is around.

Someone from 🇦🇪 has viewed:

Who decided that “microwaves that beep forever” was a feature we needed.

Someone from 🇲🇿 has bookmarked:

“Careful. It’s slippery!” – Everyone, after you’ve already slipped.

Someone from 🇦🇴 has viewed:

The era where you dropped your phone and your battery flew out was just crazy.

Social Media Log 💫

Making waves on LinkedIn:

I was so locked in, to the point where we were tongue-kissing with morning breath.

Making waves on Reddit:

Sometimes I delay my haircut intentionally to look rugged just to make that glow-up more iconic.

Just shared via Reddit:

Before I work on myself, does anyone like me unhinged?

Trending via YouTube:

Ever since I began sharing dad jokes, my followers have doubled in sighs.

Shared recently on Telegram:

By now, we’ve all figured out that these LED bulbs don’t actually last 15 years, but we’ve collectively decided to just let it slide.

Just shared via Pinterest:

Whether you rip off a bandaid quickly or slowly, I find it’s best to ask the wearer’s permission first.

Just landed via WhatsApp:

I don’t hold grudges. I just remember facts very aggressively.

Going viral on WhatsApp:

Today’s kids don’t even get chicken pox anymore, they go straight to STDs.

Broadcasted on Facebook:

I need a vacation, but the kind where everyone else leaves, and I have my house to myself for a few days.

Wordgag ツ

Activity Log ✨

What would you do if you were in my situation right now? The situation being that I’m drunk.

My toxic trait is consistently cutting off the resealable part of the bag of frozen vegetables.

“I hate small talk!” Oh okay. Do you think all your grandparents are going to heaven?

Babe, are you OK? You’ve barely touched your unread books.

Spoiler alert: Eventually you will pay a price for the way you treated people.

Making a grown man kiss his camera on Facetime.

Why do plane tickets have to be so expensive? You’re literally going that way anyway. Just give me a ride.

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Wordgag ツ

Activity Log ✨

What would you do if you were in my situation right now? The situation being that I’m drunk.

Keep the laugh going 😂

My toxic trait is consistently cutting off the resealable part of the bag of frozen vegetables.

“I hate small talk!” Oh okay. Do you think all your grandparents are going to heaven?

Babe, are you OK? You’ve barely touched your unread books.

Spoiler alert: Eventually you will pay a price for the way you treated people.

Making a grown man kiss his camera on Facetime.

Why do plane tickets have to be so expensive? You’re literally going that way anyway. Just give me a ride.

Social Media Stars ⭐

Trending Topics 📁

Activity Log ✨