Where do I sign up to be one of those influencers with 2M followers whose whole thing is just standing in front of other people’s content and nodding?

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My fondest childhood memory is being able to sleep through the entire night and waking up rested.

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I can’t sleep good when I know the food is feeling cold in the fridge.

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I’m now at the age where sitting cross-legged on the floor is punishable by about three days of full-body paralysis.

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That awkward moment when you leave a store without buying anything, and all you can think is: “Act normal, you are innocent.”

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I replaced my old flat pillow that hurt my neck with a new fat fluffy pillow that hurts my neck.

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I’m going spiraling, do you need anything?

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Everybody say a little prayer for my husband, he just told me to calm down.

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American Feng Shui is when the grill doesn’t wobble.

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I don’t always say something stupid. But when I do, I keep talking and make it worse.

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Lord, they down here giving us bills every month after you already paid the price.