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10,000+ funny quotes

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Someone from 🇱🇧 has viewed:

Making her wear those remote-controlled vibrating panties in public so I can inform her when I’m tired and want to leave the party.

Someone from 🇲🇱 has copied:

You know you’re getting old when you get mad at some random car parked outside your house.

Someone from 🇩🇲 has viewed:

Cats love to wake you up and go back to sleep. It’s part of their culture.

Someone from 🇫🇷 has bookmarked:

When I learned the word “literally,” that was the beginning of the end.

Someone from 🇲🇰 has copied:

Captain America taught me that I just need to take performance enhancing drugs to be loved by everyone.

Someone from 🇲🇾 has downloaded:

Just gonna drink light beers today, because I don’t wanna get drunk but I do enjoy peeing 30 times.

Someone from 🇼🇸 has copied:

“You don’t look 40.” How am I supposed to look?

Someone from 🇾🇪 has shared:

Don’t tell me that everything was better in the past. I was there.

Someone from 🇦🇸 has viewed:

The more nicknames I have for you, the more I like you.

Someone from 🇮🇸 has shared:

It’s always annoying to be woken up by some guy mowing his lawn. Just go around me, man.

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Funny Quotes Total

15,753

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17,766

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15,753

Updated

Feb 3, 2026

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3,717

Social Media Log 💫

Live now on Messenger:

I’m not like other teenagers, I’m 51.

Seen just now on Messenger:

The grass is only greener on the other side because of all the bullshit on it.

Live now on WeChat:

My friends wife threatened to leave him over his Star Wars collectibles and I was like “divorce is strong in this one”.

Just landed via Reddit:

I can keep my mouth shut, but you can read the subtitles on my face.

Live now on LinkedIn:

If I was a weather man, I’d leak the weather early to pretty women.

Spotted on TikTok:

No, you’re not a “prompt engineer,” you’re a sloperator.

Breaking via Pinterest:

Taylor Swift should write a song about when your sleeves keep rolling down every time you wash the dishes.

Going viral on Snapchat:

Whoops, lost myself for about eight years there.

Just landed via Slack:

I assume my soulmate has sold his soul to the devil.

Live now on TikTok:

When you really want to slap someone, do it and say, “Mosquito!

You could waterboard pretty much any embarrassing information out of me. I’m very waterboardable.

1 week ago

Funny Quotes

Witty text about being easily coerced into revealing embarrassing secrets, humorous and playful.

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Commentary:
I'm the kind of person who would spill all the beans just by being asked if I want a glass of water! 😅💧

embarrassing, embarrassing information, exaggeration, humor, information, interrogation, me, much, pretty, sarcasm, waterboard

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75 shares on Threads this month:

Babe, wanna come over and watch me apply for jobs on Indeed until I start to cry.

81 shares on X this month:

I smoke weed for my mental health and your personal safety.

22 shares on WeChat this month:

Parallel lines have got so much in common, it’s a shame they’ll never meet.

34 shares on Telegram this month:

If you don’t want to be in love with me that’s fine. You’re entitled to your wrong and very stupid opinions.

74 shares on WhatsApp this month:

Good morning to everyone except people who sit right next to you when there’s a whole room full of empty seats.

87 shares on WhatsApp this month:

Surround yourself with people who google the menu of the restaurant beforehand.

64 shares on TikTok this month:

Update on my fitness journey: My wife just handed me a bag of apples at the market and said, “careful, it’s heavy.”

50 shares on LinkedIn this month:

Babysitting a pair of twin babies right now and feeding them saying “here comes the airplane”. I don’t know, just feels weird.

29 shares on Facebook this month:

My favourite yoga pose is the one where you lay really still and do nothing.

46 shares on WeChat this month:

Commenting “Obviously AI” on pictures of happy couples.

Activity Log ✨

Someone from 🇱🇻 has downloaded:

Getting road rage alone in my house.

Someone from 🇦🇩 has bookmarked:

Dear liars, I hope every pair of pants you own are on fire.

Someone from 🇰🇷 has bookmarked:

Well, at least my cat is supportive of me doing less and laying around more.

Someone from 🇸🇷 has shared:

Sometime you meet such a prince that you’d rather marry the horse.

Someone from 🇸🇮 has bookmarked:

Dear brain, please finally learn the difference between hunger and boredom. I’m getting fat.

Someone from 🇹🇬 has downloaded:

God forbid a girl uses shopping as her coping mechanism.

Someone from 🇩🇰 has downloaded:

I hate it when what’s wrong asks me what’s wrong.

Someone from 🇨🇿 has bookmarked:

Much of my algorithm is based on when I paused while scrolling to grab a snack.

Someone from 🇰🇷 has copied:

The circus does not condone the actions being taken by its monkeys.

Someone from 🇧🇴 has bookmarked:

If you can’t tell which family member is coming up the stairs by the speed and weight of their footsteps, are you even family?

Social Media Log 💫

Freshly posted on Facebook:

Love when plans get canceled. It’s like getting a snow day as an adult.

Making waves on Instagram:

I’m disgusted by the amount of nudity on Netflix these days. There’s hardly any. What am I even paying for?

Seen just now on Slack:

Tonight I wanted to stop drinking but then I remembered the owner of the pub has a family to feed.

Making waves on WhatsApp:

Any room can be a panic room if you just give me a few minutes.

Trending via Messenger:

Men will ruin your whole life then come back and like your story.

Just shared via Pinterest:

My son just turned an everything bagel into an everywhere bagel.

Breaking via LinkedIn:

Engaging in deforestation (trimming my bush).

Going bananas on Slack:

If anime hair were real, there would be so much color dysmorphia. Like, imagine getting brown. I would be so pissed.

Spotted on Reddit:

Controlling your emotions while on your period is an extreme sport.

Going viral on Messenger:

If I was lying down and someone came up and gave me tons of kisses and smooshed my face, I’d love it. I don’t know what my cat’s problem is.

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Activity Log ✨

You could waterboard pretty much any embarrassing information out of me. I’m very waterboardable.

Having a girlfriend is insane because you can literally text them, and they will respond.

Interrupt my sleep and I’ll interrupt your breathing.

The worst part about being drunk and seeing double is when you realize it’s just one slice of pizza.

Watching true crime documentaries so I can learn from their mistakes.

Studies show that 100% of all parents think alcohol tastes much better after spending the day with children.

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Wordgag ツ

Activity Log ✨

You could waterboard pretty much any embarrassing information out of me. I’m very waterboardable.

Keep the laugh going 😂

Having a girlfriend is insane because you can literally text them, and they will respond.

Interrupt my sleep and I’ll interrupt your breathing.

The worst part about being drunk and seeing double is when you realize it’s just one slice of pizza.

Watching true crime documentaries so I can learn from their mistakes.

Studies show that 100% of all parents think alcohol tastes much better after spending the day with children.

You can chill with someone a whole day at the university, and never see them again in your life, lol.

Social Media Stars ⭐

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