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10,000+ funny quotes

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Someone from 🇧🇴 has bookmarked:

Humanity doesn’t deserve a new year, look at the mess they made of the last one.

Someone from 🇵🇪 has viewed:

Hear me out. What if we don’t elect another president, and we all just promise to be really good?

Someone from 🇧🇾 has viewed:

I’m saving myself for my vibrator.

Someone from 🇨🇴 has shared:

I commented to a friend that I didn’t know how goofy Scream was. It turns out I have never seen Scream. I saw Scary Movie.

Someone from 🇧🇸 has bookmarked:

Every frozen pizza is a canvas that needs an artist’s touch.

Someone from 🇦🇫 has downloaded:

Parents saying “I know my child” will forever be the funniest joke.

Someone from 🇹🇴 has copied:

I fractured my laziness and dislocated my interest.

Someone from 🇸🇬 has bookmarked:

I don’t have a five-year plan because every two years I realize I need a different life.

Someone from 🇫🇷 has viewed:

Why isn’t there a mosquito that sucks fat?

Someone from 🇭🇺 has copied:

So I think the mammals have now ravaged this planet long enough. It’s time for the reptiles to take over again.

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Funny Quotes Total

15,753

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17,766

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15,753

Updated

Feb 3, 2026

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Social Media Log 💫

Seen just now on WhatsApp:

Oh, you’re extending your sale? Your Black Friday sale that ended on Tuesday? You’re extending it?

Live now on WhatsApp:

Dogs have two jobs: calm their humans when they are stressed. Stress their humans when they are calm.

Shared recently on Instagram:

This can’t be the same body that used to be able to pull all nighters.

Just shared via Reddit:

I’m sorry I mistook all our laughs, long nights, sweet texts, and inside jokes as you caring. I’ll think twice before wasting my time again.

Just landed via Messenger:

What electric cars and diarrhea have in common is the fear of not making it home.

Making waves on X:

You think you’re your own worst critic? Just wait till you have kids.

Seen just now on Messenger:

I don’t mean to say that I drink a lot of coffee, but Colombian farmers have a photo of me in their wallets.

Going viral on WhatsApp:

Thanks for your email! Unfortunately, I have filled my pockets with stones and am making my way to the sea.

Shared recently on Messenger:

Daffodil totally sounds like an insult, you blooming daffodil.

Spotted on Reddit:

Is there an app yet that converts voice messages into text messages?

You have 8 hours remaining to create shareholder value.

4 weeks ago

Witty quote about time and shareholder value, humorous and playful in tone.

Download image ↓

Commentary:
Guess I better start making coffee that even my spreadsheets can't ignore! ☕📈💼

8, business, create, deadline, hours, humor, productivity, shareholder, time, value, work

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54 shares on Pinterest this month:

Everyone is fighting a battle you don’t know about, except for me. I am complaining loudly about my battle. Everybody knows about it.

29 shares on WeChat this month:

The days will soon be shorter again. Then it won’t rain for so long.

48 shares on Discord this month:

The lion is starting to concern himself with things he’s been trying to ignore.

62 shares on Messenger this month:

No one lies more than a parent who says, “We’ll see.” You know we’re not seeing anything.

47 shares on X this month:

Headache pro-tip: Bang your toe into something.

67 shares on Snapchat this month:

What if the universe wasn’t infinite or finite, but a secret third thing?

100 shares on Reddit this month:

This can’t be the same body that used to be able to stay up all night.

88 shares on X this month:

Things can feel really overwhelming. Sometimes days or even weeks can get really hectic. Don’t forget that life is all about getting as much phone time as possible. Never lose sight of that.

37 shares on Slack this month:

I bet the guy who named the sperm whale wasn’t allowed to name things anymore after that.

74 shares on Facebook this month:

When I get bored on a Zoom meeting, I put a cursor under the speaker’s nose to make it look like they have a booger.

Activity Log ✨

Someone from 🇯🇵 has shared:

Why is the Formula 1 so afraid of rain? Just drive with more caution. That’s what I always do when it rains.

Someone from 🇱🇧 has shared:

You’d be surprised how many times you can use the word succulent in a work email.

Someone from 🇮🇪 has shared:

Whoever came up with “penny for your thoughts,” “don’t nickel and dime me,” and “another day another dollar” sure knew how to coin a phrase.

Someone from 🇧🇴 has viewed:

Marriage is scary, what if he doesn’t want our house to look like my Pinterest board.

Someone from 🇲🇱 has viewed:

They should make a drug that recreates the feeling of having your number called earlier than expected.

Someone from 🇵🇦 has downloaded:

Stop blaming everyone for all of your problems. Pick the one person you really hate and blame them for everything.

Someone from 🇰🇷 has bookmarked:

Spotify Wrapped: February was your basketball watermelon loudspeaker phone call hip hop moment.

Someone from 🇦🇪 has copied:

I bet when you invited me to Thanksgiving dinner you didn’t think I’d stay this long.

Someone from 🇸🇲 has downloaded:

If a tree falls in a forest and doesn’t make a sound, maybe that’s where your kid should be practicing the piano.

Someone from 🇲🇻 has copied:

If there is a God and He “loves” us, then explain snakes.

Social Media Log 💫

Seen just now on Pinterest:

According to this box of macaroni and cheese, I am an entire family.

Shared recently on Instagram:

It’s not getting better or worse, but rather a third mysterious thing.

Live now on TikTok:

The Bible is 100% accurate. Especially when thrown at close range.

Going viral on WeChat:

Nothing hurts more than someone not getting your joke.

Trending via Facebook:

Getting older just means that you have to start eating all the sad foods.

Breaking via Pinterest:

My toxic trait is that I expect people to have common sense, and I get mad when they don’t.

Going bananas on Instagram:

My boss doesn’t want dogs in the office. But he didn’t say anything about alpacas.

Freshly posted on Messenger:

Girls with long hair will literally leave little traces of themselves wherever they go, like feathers falling from an angel’s wings.

Spreading quickly via TikTok:

I can now tell the hour of the day by which part of my body needs a heating pad.

Freshly posted on X:

You know you’re the father of teen boys when a shoe print on the ceiling no longer fazes you.

Wordgag ツ

Activity Log ✨

You have 8 hours remaining to create shareholder value.

Welcome to your 50’s, you’ll look for your phone while scrolling on your phone.

House sitting for friends while they’re out of town. Never knew my buddy kept a diary.

I’ll never understand people who go through self-checkout line and slowly and carefully scan their items. This line is for stealing.

If politicians can text my cell phone asking for money, I should be able to text them directly with policy suggestions.

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Wordgag ツ

Activity Log ✨

You have 8 hours remaining to create shareholder value.

Keep the laugh going 😂

Welcome to your 50’s, you’ll look for your phone while scrolling on your phone.

House sitting for friends while they’re out of town. Never knew my buddy kept a diary.

I’ll never understand people who go through self-checkout line and slowly and carefully scan their items. This line is for stealing.

I’m not actively avoiding you. I don’t actively do anything.

If politicians can text my cell phone asking for money, I should be able to text them directly with policy suggestions.

Santa doesn’t check the naughty list anymore, he just checks social media.

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