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10,000+ funny quotes

Activity Log ✨

Someone from 🇨🇻 has bookmarked:

Yeah, Instagram is bad for our mental health, but what about Outlook?

Someone from 🇹🇴 has downloaded:

Once I see a vein on your forehead while we arguing, I’ll let you be.

Someone from 🇷🇴 has downloaded:

Let’s draft everyone who has their phone on military time first, since you’re all so eager.

Someone from 🇵🇦 has viewed:

Puberty was a hair-raising experience.

Someone from 🇦🇫 has viewed:

If robbers ever broke into my house and searched for money, I’d just laugh and search with them.

Someone from 🇬🇩 has bookmarked:

Using my one phone call to call Santa.

Someone from 🇲🇬 has copied:

Sorry, can’t. The pears I bought a couple days ago have ripened.

Someone from 🇧🇩 has shared:

Less talkie. More kissie.

Someone from 🇸🇱 has bookmarked:

How many cups of coffee is OK to have every day? Is it eight? I’m pretty sure it’s eight.

Someone from 🇫🇷 has shared:

I’ve got a couple of eyebrow hairs that want me to be a villain.

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Funny Quotes Total

15,753

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17,766

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15,753

Updated

Feb 3, 2026

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3,287

Social Media Log 💫

Breaking via Instagram:

Thoughts & prayers to all of us back at work tomorrow after the colossal mistake of thinking we’d be lads of leisure forever, for some reason.

Just landed via WhatsApp:

Sorry for my bad behavior. Mercury is in gatorade or whatever.

Making waves on Messenger:

Having a crush is so fun, it’s literally just butterflies and delusion.

You have 8 hours remaining to create shareholder value.

6 days ago

Funny Quotes

Witty quote about time and shareholder value, humorous and playful in tone.

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Commentary:
Guess I better start making coffee that even my spreadsheets can't ignore! ☕📈💼

8, business, create, deadline, hours, humor, productivity, shareholder, time, value, work

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Social Media Stars ⭐

56 shares on TikTok this month:

Took a break from social media because my cat was asleep on my phone.

50 shares on Threads this month:

My wife called to tell me she saw a fox on the way to work. I asked her how she knew it was on its way to work. She hung up on me.

43 shares on Snapchat this month:

Fancy restaurants are self-esteem destroyers because good luck not leaving an embarrassing stain on the white table cloth. Ever.

49 shares on Snapchat this month:

Building a snowman so I can punch it in the face.

68 shares on Messenger this month:

I wish I was waking up and going to the airport.

45 shares on Facebook this month:

I have some cake and now I’m eating it too. Not seeing the problem here.

74 shares on Facebook this month:

Paw Patrol is just annoying. Exactly how long do dogs live again on average?

14 shares on Threads this month:

I just feel like we shouldn’t have a new year until we get this one right.

22 shares on Snapchat this month:

At no single point in the Bible does it tell you not to sell drugs.

56 shares on Reddit this month:

This meeting could have been an AI summary.

Activity Log ✨

Someone from 🇹🇷 has downloaded:

No one warned me that being an adult was mostly just hurrying up to get somewhere you don’t want to go in the first place.

Someone from 🇭🇹 has shared:

Just in case you don’t know, it’s “piqued” your interest, not “peaked”.

Someone from 🇸🇧 has viewed:

Bro, you’re not allowed anymore to have your tongue drop out of your mouth and form a stair case when you see my wife.

Someone from 🇦🇩 has downloaded:

Getting so tangled in the sex shop bead curtain that they have to put me down like a horse with a broken leg.

Someone from 🇧🇯 has copied:

Part of fatherhood is becoming an expert in some obscure topic and teaching it to your children who stopped listening 30 minutes ago.

Someone from 🇱🇧 has downloaded:

I wish other jobs let us solve issues by releasing diss tracks. Got some sick rhymes about Debbie from accounting and her poorly structured invoicing.

Someone from 🇲🇰 has bookmarked:

“Cut my life into pieces” screamed the earthworm and threw itself in front of my spade.

Someone from 🇺🇦 has copied:

Why touch grass when you can touch ass?

Someone from 🇫🇷 has bookmarked:

My mom: sure use any towel. Also my mom: not that one.

Someone from 🇧🇭 has downloaded:

Establish dominance by eating a salad in front of your indoor plants.

Social Media Log 💫

Making waves on TikTok:

My dental hygienist is probably thinking, I bet i could braid this guys nose hair.

Just shared via Messenger:

College is not even mentioned once in the Bible. Somebody get me outta here.

Trending via Telegram:

I took a test to see if I have multiple personalities. I scored 100%, 92% and 88%.

Just shared via Reddit:

I talk a lot of shit for someone who is startled by my own toast popping up while I’m watching it. Every. Single. Time.

Just shared via Threads:

I would like to be reincarnated as less tired.

Trending via Snapchat:

“Got milk?” Buddy, I don’t even have self-esteem.

Live now on Discord:

Men love to show you a YouTube video. It is a sign of deep respect in their culture.

Trending via WeChat:

I would like you to meet my significant other. Her name is Cheese.

Broadcasted on TikTok:

To be clear, when I said I was looking for “growth,” I meant in salary, not in workload and stress levels.

Breaking via TikTok:

I just realized boobytrap backwards spells partyboob.

Wordgag ツ

Activity Log ✨

You have 8 hours remaining to create shareholder value.

Romance level: At some point, someone comes by, sees me and thinks: “Oh well, my God, why not?”

If you haven’t felt old yet today, try explaining to a teenager how little kids used to sit on a phone book at dinner to be able to reach the table.

I love all the Winter Olympic events, sliding downhill on a piece of wood, sliding downhill on two pieces of wood, sliding downhill in a piece of wood. All amazing.

This football season, we need to bring back getting drunk and calling in to your team’s local radio show after the game. Such a lost art.

Totally forgot my demands now that I’ve strapped this ticking bomb to my chest.

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Wordgag ツ

Activity Log ✨

You have 8 hours remaining to create shareholder value.

Keep the laugh going 😂

Romance level: At some point, someone comes by, sees me and thinks: “Oh well, my God, why not?”

If you haven’t felt old yet today, try explaining to a teenager how little kids used to sit on a phone book at dinner to be able to reach the table.

Okay, this is getting ridiculous. It can’t just be the one guy. It’s gotta be a group of people pooping my son’s diaper.

I love all the Winter Olympic events, sliding downhill on a piece of wood, sliding downhill on two pieces of wood, sliding downhill in a piece of wood. All amazing.

This football season, we need to bring back getting drunk and calling in to your team’s local radio show after the game. Such a lost art.

Totally forgot my demands now that I’ve strapped this ticking bomb to my chest.

Social Media Stars ⭐

Trending Topics 📁

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