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10,000+ funny quotes

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Someone from 🇧🇯 has shared:

You’d think, with the amount of overthinking I do, I’d make the right decision.

Someone from 🇲🇷 has downloaded:

I hate everyone in front of me at this checkout line, everyone behind me is cool.

Someone from 🇦🇱 has copied:

Bedrotting is so nice. Just lying in bed, using your phone comfortably.

Someone from 🇬🇩 has downloaded:

Aliens only abduct the people that are already nuts so no one will believe them when they try and tell everyone.

Someone from 🇩🇪 has downloaded:

Life’s too short to remove the USB drive safely.

Someone from 🇩🇴 has viewed:

Hello, my voicemail is currently unavailable. To leave a message please speak slowly and clearly into the nearest toaster.

Someone from 🇦🇲 has shared:

If you say “Excellent choice” after somebody selects a floor in an elevator, you can usually get a pity laugh.

Someone from 🇬🇼 has viewed:

Tonight, the moon is staring at me.

Someone from 🇹🇻 has viewed:

Women love asking you questions about the movie you both are watching.

Someone from 🇸🇦 has bookmarked:

Honestly, shopping beats therapy, anytime. It costs the same and you get a dress out of it.

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Funny Quotes Total

15,752

Funny Quotes Topics

17,765

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15,752

Updated

Jan 19, 2026

Users Online

3,480

Social Media Log 💫

Freshly posted on X:

Blocking him isn’t enough. I want his favorite sports team to finish last every year for now and forever.

Spreading quickly via Slack:

Adults are always asking children what they want to be when they grow up because they’re looking for ideas.

Spreading quickly via WhatsApp:

I hate it when I’m at work and someone asks “are you at free at the moment?”. Please expand further so I can know if I’m free or not.

Shared recently on YouTube:

Normalize saying, “Just as the oracle foretold,” when things go your way.

Spreading quickly via Telegram:

Before you try to save someone, make sure you’re not interrupting their karma.

Broadcasted on Messenger:

Skinning your knee as an adult is so humiliating. That’s the toddler injury.

Spotted on Threads:

Every time I watch “The Godfather”, I notice some new detail (they’re Italian???).

Going viral on LinkedIn:

God: “Free will was a bad idea. I should have charged for it.”

Making waves on WhatsApp:

Increasing the amount of high fives I give my boss each day until he quits his job.

Spotted on LinkedIn:

I am cassette tape years old.

At what point in not being able to sleep do I throw the towel in and have a beer, since maybe that will help?

2 months ago

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Commentary:
When you reach the point where counting sheep turns into counting beers, it's time to make a brew-tiful decision! 🍺🌙😴

able, bedtime, beer, being, drinking, frustration, help, humor, i, insomnia, maybe, point, relaxation, sleep, sleeplessness, throw, towel

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55 shares on Pinterest this month:

Polar lights: when the sky forgets it’s supposed to be boring.

90 shares on Snapchat this month:

The word aerobics comes from two Greek words: aero, meaning “ability to,” and bics, meaning “withstand tremedous boredom.”

43 shares on LinkedIn this month:

Hello, boyfriend? It’s me, girlfriend, from dating?

77 shares on Snapchat this month:

There’s a disconnect between the decibel level of my car singing and my talent.

41 shares on Twitch this month:

As president, I will allow people to use the same password as before when changing their password.

82 shares on YouTube this month:

I’ll stop smoking weed when life stops smoking me.

80 shares on YouTube this month:

Gonna end every insult with “but in a good way”.

91 shares on TikTok this month:

Am I finishing my education or is my education finishing me?

13 shares on LinkedIn this month:

It’s leg day. No, not at the gym, dummy. I’m shaving them.

33 shares on Instagram this month:

Remember, if you start with, “It’s crazy to think…” you can say whatever you want.

Activity Log ✨

Someone from 🇵🇪 has copied:

Just a reminder that you’re not allowed to hit your coworkers. Even if they’re stupid. I asked. Twice.

Someone from 🇲🇽 has viewed:

If you like water, you already like 72% of me.

Someone from 🇧🇿 has downloaded:

I run every day for 30 minutes. If I miss a day, I add 30 minutes to the next day. This has truly been a game changer. Tomorrow I’m supposed to run for 3 weeks.

Someone from 🇵🇰 has viewed:

11:00 am – Anything is possible. 3:00 pm – But not today.

Someone from 🇧🇩 has shared:

Girl, you gotta try this healing potion. It’s called beer.

Someone from 🇲🇿 has copied:

Sometimes I think I should talk to my colleagues more often. Until I talk to my colleagues.

Someone from 🇲🇰 has downloaded:

I hate it when I go to the kitchen for food and only find ingredients.

Someone from 🇰🇬 has copied:

I’m at my most math when I solve a problem while creating three new ones.

Someone from 🇮🇶 has downloaded:

When people say something is cray-cray it makes me wanna vom-vom.

Someone from 🇱🇷 has copied:

Meds have done more for me than any man ever could.

Social Media Log 💫

Freshly posted on X:

I’m planning to save money on Christmas gifts this year by wrapping up all the toys my toddler dropped behind the couch.

Freshly posted on Slack:

Not now, I’m busy doing tax crimes on my abacus.

Making waves on Snapchat:

I wish the homes of all my friends were connected to mine by secret underground tunnels.

Trending via WhatsApp:

Men’s jeans have bigger pockets to help them carry all their audacity.

Trending via Pinterest:

Since there is only one of me, does that make me limited edition?

Spotted on Facebook:

How many filters does it take before it’s technically a painting?

Breaking via Slack:

I don’t know who needs to hear this, but throw away your disgusting dish sponge.

Just shared via Discord:

Milk or be milked.

Making waves on Telegram:

Jokes on you, unknown number. I barely answer my phone for people I know.

Spotted on TikTok:

You can’t hurt me. You’re not how I look first thing in the morning.

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Activity Log ✨

At what point in not being able to sleep do I throw the towel in and have a beer, since maybe that will help?

People without a sense of humor should not be allowed to decide what people with a sense of humor are allowed to laugh at.

I don’t know why “you made your bed now lie in it” is a bad thing. It sounds great! I’ll even lie in a bed I didn’t make.

Egyptians did pretty well for a civilization that wrote entirely in emoji.

I have entirely too many new bruises for someone who isn’t getting laid.

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Wordgag ツ

Activity Log ✨

At what point in not being able to sleep do I throw the towel in and have a beer, since maybe that will help?

Keep the laugh going 😂

People without a sense of humor should not be allowed to decide what people with a sense of humor are allowed to laugh at.

I don’t know why “you made your bed now lie in it” is a bad thing. It sounds great! I’ll even lie in a bed I didn’t make.

Egyptians did pretty well for a civilization that wrote entirely in emoji.

If you wave your keys in front of a giant house, people will think you own it.

I have entirely too many new bruises for someone who isn’t getting laid.

Boyfriend hasn’t accepted my LinkedIn request yet. He doesn’t want to connect. He doesn’t want to build.

Social Media Stars ⭐

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