Call a girl beautiful 1000 times and she won’t notice. Call her fat once and she will never forget. That’s because elephants never forget.

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I refuse to listen to anyone give commentary on the state of society unless it’s in a TikTok video filmed inside their car.

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‘Another bombshell has entered the villa!’ I say to myself as I walk in the front door of my own home.

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Every room is a panic room if someone farts.

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My hair will never allow me to commit any crime; I leave my DNA everywhere.

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The Welsh language was invented by a dad losing at Scrabble.

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I was at the cemetery when a little kid walked up to me and said she was afraid. I took her hand and told her that I used to be afraid too… when I was alive.

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I’m convinced a lot of people online are communicating from prison.

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I don’t need all of these heat advisory warnings on my phone. I’ve been outside. I have skin. I know.

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“Your sock has a hole in it!” Yeah, no shit, that’s how I get my foot in there.

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A piece of chocolate contains just enough energy to take another one.