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Jan 26, 2025
Share →: My body is like my phone battery. Usually drained by 4pm.

Commentary:
"Looks like I need a recharge by mid-afternoon, just like my phone battery! 🔋😂 Who knew our bodies and devices had so much in common?"

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Someone from 🇨🇱 has copied:

Why can’t people be tested like watermelons? You tap them on the head and find out whether they are normal or bad.

Someone from 🇨🇴 has bookmarked:

Where did you come from, Where did you go, Where did you come from, Pokémon Go.

Someone from 🇰🇿 has viewed:

Caught a belt loop on a door handle and got yanked back with such force that my audio is no longer in sync with my actions.

Someone from 🇵🇬 has bookmarked:

Stop normalizing things, we’ll run out of the weird shit.

Someone from 🇧🇦 has shared:

If you wait until the last minute to do something, it only takes a minute to do it.

Someone from 🇧🇸 has bookmarked:

Calling the police when someone unfollows.

Someone from 🇩🇲 has shared:

I’ve never met a cake I didn’t want to fork.

Someone from 🇸🇬 has viewed:

Post beach shower is undefeated. Greatest feeling a human could experience. Throw a nap in there, and you will never touch serenity so close.

Someone from 🇭🇹 has copied:

We’re all in the billionaire submarine now.

Someone from 🇹🇭 has copied:

Lego better be trying to cure child cancer with how much their shit cost.

Social Media Log 💫

Just shared via Slack:

A little sign under the doorbell that says, “think twice, adventurer.”

Reported on Threads:

I’ve been reading the room for 20 minutes. It’s not looking so good.

Shared recently on Messenger:

ALF is what happens when you are high on drugs in the 80s.

Spotted on Messenger:

Hey (with the intention of making your fries my fries).

Making waves on Telegram:

Actually, men should take the pill. It makes more sense to unload the gun than to shoot at a bulletproof vest.

Seen just now on Threads:

“American Pope” sounds like the name of an Amazon prime original series you ignore.

Reported on YouTube:

Math is like Chinese to me.

Shared recently on Pinterest:

Normalize arguing with plants who refuse to stay alive.

Spreading quickly via Discord:

I bet the person who named the fireplace also named the waterfall.

Just landed via Messenger:

I hate it when people threaten to come over. Now I’ve got to do 2 years of housework in 30 minutes.

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As a man, it’s my job to mistake kindness for flirting.

No, I wasn’t dancing. I got harassed by a bumble bee.

Some people’s high horses are actually donkeys.

Long distance relationships can work if the four of you all truly trust each other.

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Does your life really flash before your eyes or is it just your brain closing all open tabs one last time.

Airlines be like: “Oh, wow. Oh, God. We didn’t think everyone would bring a bag!”

I keep my eyes in great shape by rolling them constantly.

Sorry I was late, I was frantically applying to other jobs.

At least I can say I tried. I didn’t try, but I can say I did.

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Marriage tip: If your wife goes silent in the middle of an argument, you probably shouldn’t ask if you can go back to mowing the lawn.

I hope my email finds you enraged.

I’ve had 50 birthdays in a row without being arrested, which I’d say is an impressive streak!

“You’re an athlete,” I whisper to myself, as I begin my third attempt to get out of the couch.

They say money can’t buy happiness, but could someone just give me a lot of it and let me see for myself?

Funny Quotes of the Year ⭐

Teens don’t know how good they have it with lyrics sites. We used to have to sing shit wrong for years until the truth destroyed us.

You sound unhinged. Let’s go get mugshots.

The question is, what will kill humanity this century? Artificial intelligence or natural stupidity?

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