275 funny home quotes - Page 2 - Wordgag

My dog sets an impossible bar for how I should greet my wife when she comes home.

May 22, 2026

I’m always happy when I come home from shopping and the note on the table reminds me of what I wanted to buy.

May 22, 2026

Camping? No, thank you. If I wanted to sleep outside, I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.

May 22, 2026

People who live in glass houses should install frosted glass around the toilet part.

May 22, 2026

What electric cars and diarrhea have in common is the fear of not making it home.

May 22, 2026

Being an adult is when you ask the babysitter when you should be home.

May 22, 2026

See you when you get home from school, I whisper to my kid’s apple.

May 22, 2026

You ever notice how when you get home from food shopping, the kids turn into airport security?

May 22, 2026

Warning: People who need to leave their homes today are advised that it is extremely Monday outside this morning.

May 22, 2026

In a previous life I may have been a carrier pigeon, in that all I ever think about is going home.

May 22, 2026

I bought some coconut shampoo today. I got halfway home before I thought, “I don’t even have a coconut!”

May 22, 2026

I’m looking for friends with benefits. And by that I mean friends who have pools, boats and beautiful vacation homes.

May 22, 2026

Home is where the clothes rack stands in the way.

May 22, 2026

Don’t you hate it when you buy veggies and when you get them home you realize they’re donuts?

May 22, 2026

I met my wife at a singles night. I was surprised as I thought she was at home with the kids.

May 22, 2026

Whenever someone tells me how well behaved my kids are, I say it’s cause they’re not at home.

May 22, 2026

Why would I work from home when I don’t even work from work?

May 21, 2026

My home security system is just a copy of my paycheck taped to my front door.

May 21, 2026

You should be allowed to go home early from work if you miss your dog a lot.

May 21, 2026

Today I couldn’t find a parking space at work, so I drove back home. Looks like they have enough people there.

May 21, 2026

I’m so old, I still drink my coffee at home in the morning. From a real cup.

May 21, 2026

All I do is go to work, come home, blink and suddenly I’m back at work.

May 21, 2026

I’m going to start walking around in my yard all day in a bathrobe so my neighbors will build that privacy fence I always wanted.

May 21, 2026

You either have a full ketchup bottle in your house or an almost empty one. There’s no in-between.

May 21, 2026

I visited my doctor today. He told me my sugar was too high. So I came home and moved it to a lower shelf.

May 21, 2026

Not all works of art are in a museum. I, for example, am lying on the couch at home.

May 21, 2026

My cats won’t talk to me because I came home late from work.

May 21, 2026

There are advantages to living alone: everything always stays where you put it. There are disadvantages to living alone: everything always stays where you put it.

May 21, 2026

Couldn’t afford a man cave. Had to settle for a gazebro.

May 21, 2026

The secret to a clean home? Never let your husband or children in.

May 21, 2026

I’m rearranging the kitchen which is devastating for my husband because now suddenly he remembers where everything used to be.

May 21, 2026

If you watch Home Alone backwards it’s a loving story about a kid that heals two men that were savagely beaten.

May 21, 2026

Eight times a day, I ask myself which object in the office will hurt me enough so that I can go home, but at the same time won’t hurt too much.

May 21, 2026

The biggest problem with working from home? I want to go home even though I’m already at home.

May 21, 2026

Home is where you’ve left the shopping list.

May 21, 2026

Home is where you can walk around like a bum.

May 21, 2026

I have my own hand stamper at home so my coworkers will think I went someplace fun the night before.

May 21, 2026

My favorite part of leaving the house is looking forward to going home.

May 21, 2026

Before Facebook, we would hold people hostage inside our homes by showing them photo albums of our vacation.

May 21, 2026

Playdates were invented to force parents into cleaning their home.

May 21, 2026