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Memories are a bit fuzzy – but regrets? They’re in 8K and Dolby Vision.

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I always ask for a receipt so I can keep them in my purse for 86 years.

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Went to HR to complain about my coworkers but my mom said she can’t fire my kids.

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In banana years, I am bread.

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The possibility of monsters residing underneath your bed is negated when the mattress is positioned on the floor.

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Everyone’s gangster until they use a pen that is satisfyingly smooth and fun to write with.

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I took the first step towards cleaning out my closet today. I went in there and looked it over good.

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You told your cat how much you love him, but now it’s morning, the sun is out, you’re sober, and it’s just weird for both of you.

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When your children are teenagers, it’s important to have a dog so that someone in the house is happy to see you.

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Unfair that the older I get, the clearer photo quality gets.