Wordgag ツ

10,000+ funny quotes

159 Funny tell quotes

If you want your teen to finish her homework, tell her to fold the laundry.

3 months ago

Whenever my Mother-in-Law’s stories end with “And I turned out OK” I’m looking around like who’s gonna tell her.

3 months ago

You should tell different people completely different things about yourself so that they then get into arguments when gossiping about you.

3 months ago

Taylor Swift’s most unrealistic lyric is “he’d never tell you, but he can play guitar”, because I’ve never met a man who can play guitar that isn’t gonna tell you about it.

3 months ago

Don’t tell me about your wild weekend. My TV remote died and I switched the batteries around, and now it’s working.

3 months ago

If you tell me to watch until the end, the end better be in five seconds.

3 months ago

We’d never met, or even spoken, but I could tell just from gazing into her pale blue eyes I had stepped on her toe.

3 months ago

When I tell a joke that doesn’t land, I follow up with a worse one to make my audience realize how good they had it with the first joke.

3 months ago

When someone asks me if my twins are natural, I tell them no they’re robots.

3 months ago

A tip for your next salary negotiation: simply tell your boss “either I get a pay rise or I go out and tell everyone I got one!”

3 months ago

Everyone is using AI to write business emails, texts, etc. At this point in time, we may as well just tell our AIs to talk to each other and then let us know what kind of deal they worked out.

3 months ago

Dr. Pepper just unseated Pepsi as the second most popular soda in America. Don’t tell me that getting your PhD isn’t worth it.

3 months ago

Always tell people different stories about yourself, so when they talk about you, they’ll argue.

3 months ago

There is a house I drive by most days and I can never tell if they are having a yard sale or that is just how they live.

3 months ago

One day there will be condoms with Bluetooth that tell you whether you’re good in bed, how many calories you’ve burned and when the next train leaves.

3 months ago

You can use an egg timer to tell you when your egg is cooked perfectly. For brown rice you can use a calendar.

3 months ago

When the past calls, don’t answer it. It has nothing new to tell you.

3 months ago

“Slipping in the shower and trying to hold on to the water jet…” Shall I tell you more about myself?

3 months ago

People tell introverts to talk more and get out of their comfort zone, but no one tells extroverts to shut up to make the zone comfortable.

3 months ago

I say “long story short” and then tell the story with bonus features.

3 months ago