Having a job is crazy. When you’re at home, you feel lonely and want to go to work. When you’re at work, you’re exhausted and just want to go home.

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I think the Monday after Sunday should always be a day off.

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My daughter’s new Bluetooth karaoke mic has suddenly and mysteriously disappeared, and we are all just so, so sad that we can’t find it.

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Maybe Baby wants to be put in the corner.

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I’ve decided that I’m going to underthink today.

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Every room is a panic room if someone farts.

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Women’s fall fashion is basically coming up with ways to wear a blanket without it looking like you’re wearing a blanket.

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I am “I can’t remember the last time I went out on New Year’s Eve” old.

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Sorry I’m late, I got here as soon as I wanted to.

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Is it okay for me to start drinking as soon as the kids are at school, or am I just a terrible teacher?

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My favorite part of The Godfather is when the guy wakes up and screams because the Mafia has stolen the bottom half of the horse he keeps in his bed.