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Sorry, I’m late. I got here when I wanted to.

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There’s no sadder tableau in all of humanity than the smoker’s terrarium at the airport.

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The most incredible thing about James Bond is the way he can walk into any hotel room and immediately know how to use the shower.

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Every time I see an odd screw on the floor somewhere, I think one of my loose ones has finally come out.

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TVs are like, literally, the only thing that has gotten cheaper as I’ve gotten older.

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Noise cancelling headphones but for when the noises are coming from inside your head.

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Old people understand Roman numerals. I for one.