I had to treat myself to a sweet goody today to distract my mind from the horrors of life.

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I think God was high when he made me.

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Who is praying on my downfall right now and can you stop?

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Sex is cool, but have you ever had garlic bread?

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I’ve learned two important things in life, I can’t remember the first one, but the second one is to write everything down.

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Presumably, if you had a time machine, you could just kill young adult Hitler. The baby part seems gratuitous.

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When I said you had a “serial killer face” I had meant it as a compliment. Like, you look like you are very ambitious is what I meant.

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Nighty night! Don’t let the horror of existence bite.

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90s scientists: we cloned a sheep. we landed a robot on mars. Scientists today: for the last time, the earth is round.

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Coffee tastes so much better handed to me.

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Terrifying if taken literally—if these walls could talk.