I hate when a guy asks “can you cook?” Can you build a house?

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I’m on this new diet where I don’t consume anything that talks to me before the first coffee.

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Not leaving the house and not having contact with other people. The punishments of my childhood are now my hobbies.

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Some people’s laughs are funnier than the joke.

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Sorry, I’m late. My alarm didn’t go off because I didn’t set it, because I don’t want to be here.

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Once married, the woman takes over the entire closet and the man stores everything he owns in his left cargo pocket.

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I can’t believe I used to think I was stressed in high school.

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You had me at “We’ll make it look like an accident.”

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I don’t wanna start the year with any negativity so if you and I have had issues in the past, apologize to me immediately.

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There’s no way the Scooby Doo gang never found a dead body.

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I said it was my favorite show, I didn’t say it was good.