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I like smoke and lightning, your honor, heavy metal thunder, racing with the wind. You know that feeling I am under.

I like smoke and lightning, your honor, heavy metal thunder, racing with the wind. You know that feeling I am under.

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"Your honor, I'm not sure who pulled me over… me or the wind! ๐ŸŒฌ๏ธโšก๏ธ๐Ÿ˜‚"



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Having a nicotine addiction is basically just adding a new base layer to Maslow’s hierarchy for no reason.

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I havenโ€™t broken a mirror lately, but my water broke and Iโ€™ve had seven years of kids crawling into my bed.

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At some point, I need to admit my โ€˜guilty pleasureโ€™ music taste is just my music taste now.

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Having children is like living in a frat house – nobody sleeps, everything’s broken, and there’s a lot of throwing up.

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Not to brag, but my children already knew everything I told them today.

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You can say “Have a nice day,” no problem, but saying “Enjoy the next 24 hours” sounds vaguely threatening.

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My superpower? I can look you dead in the face while you’re talking and not hear a damn word you said.

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Youโ€™re like if โ€œnopeโ€ was a person.

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Women are actually very understanding if youโ€™re honest with them, especially if they like you. You donโ€™t even have to do all that lying.

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Not being able to teleport is continuing to be a huge inconvenience for me.

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