I put on my Godzilla costume, then go to the miniature golf course to beat up the windmill.

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I childproofed my house but the kids still get in somehow.

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Just eating the emotional support snickers bar in my purse. How about you?

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Make your salad taste better by putting it between bread, meat, cheese, and Big Mac sauce.

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Remember: no matter what anyone else thinks of you, it’s how you delude yourself that matters.

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At my age, I’m worried about tripping and falling, so I wear a helmet. I’m also worried about looking ridiculous, so I carry a skateboard.

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Slowly descending into madness. Anyone want anything?

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I haven’t spoken to my wife in years. I didn’t want to interrupt her.

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Do you ever feel like you’re a white shirt and life is a red wine?

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I’ve reached the age where I just bought a bird bath for my backyard.

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Math is like Chinese to me.