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10,000+ funny quotes

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Someone from 🇩🇲 has viewed:

What do you even say when someone knocks on your bathroom stall … like, what’s the protocol?

Someone from 🇧🇧 has copied:

Just blocked a guy for accusing me of being “all talk”. On Twitter.

Someone from 🇬🇷 has viewed:

Just once I’d like to read a medication label that says: Warning, may cause permanent weight loss, increased energy and wrinkle removal.

Someone from 🇰🇬 has bookmarked:

You sound unhinged. Let’s go get mugshots.

Someone from 🇰🇼 has bookmarked:

Can I sell my feelings on ebay, I don’t want them anymore.

Someone from 🇸🇩 has bookmarked:

Are we all getting a front-row seat to the end times, or what?

Someone from 🇦🇹 has viewed:

Elections make you feel like we’re all in divorce court waiting to see who gets custody of us.

Someone from 🇲🇰 has copied:

One of the great joys in this life is looking at your pet’s weird little teeth.

Someone from 🇲🇻 has bookmarked:

My New Year’s resolution is to emit a powerful beam of light.

Someone from 🇹🇳 has bookmarked:

Twitter is Iike the smoking area for social media.

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Funny Quotes Total

15,753

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17,766

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15,753

Updated

Feb 3, 2026

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Shared recently on Instagram:

The final stage of being single is when you listen to a love song and no one comes to mind; at that point, you’ve achieved absolute singularity.

Spotted on Pinterest:

Does anyone know how to lower the difficulty setting on my life?

Seen just now on YouTube:

I always make sure the garage door is shut. Wouldn’t want hoodlums stealing the stuff I’ve been meaning to get rid of for years.

Live now on Reddit:

I’m sorry I don’t take orders. I barely take suggestions.

Seen just now on Instagram:

Being a dinosaur sounds kinda nice. No bills, no work, just extinct.

Making waves on Messenger:

My New Years resolutions are to do some things, and stop doing some other things.

Spotted on WhatsApp:

A two-step guide to warning someone not to hit their head: 1. Wait until they’ve hit their head. 2. Say “Ooh, mind your head!”

Making waves on Slack:

How many sit-ups do I have to do before I get a six-pack? Please say 5.

Just shared via WhatsApp:

During childbirth, women are in so much pain that it is almost possible for them to feel what men have to endure when they have a cold.

Just shared via Threads:

Before you marry a person, you should first make them use a computer with slow internet to see who they really are.

I want to text this person, but I need to have shame and self-respect.

3 weeks ago

Funny Quotes

Playful quote about resisting temptation and maintaining dignity in texting.

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Commentary:
Trying to balance texting them and maintaining my dignity like a cat walking on a tightrope 😂📱🎪

anxiety, communication, hesitation, humor, i, need, person, self-respect, shame, social, social anxiety, text, texting, want

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13 shares on WeChat this month:

Americans be like, “MM:DD:YY” is how you say dates verbally, and then have a national holiday called “4th of July.”

26 shares on YouTube this month:

Spent most of the day making sure the couch still works. So far so good.

30 shares on Discord this month:

Always keep a bottle of wine in the fridge for special occasions. Like Wednesday.

66 shares on Threads this month:

Not only is it not Friday, but it’s not even Thursday.

90 shares on Discord this month:

Googled my symptoms and it turns out it’s just the politics.

63 shares on Discord this month:

A vibrator is amazing but it doesn’t call me “good girl” unfortunately.

89 shares on LinkedIn this month:

The single star on Texas’ flag is actually a review.

32 shares on Slack this month:

I assume fish have beautiful names for eachother, unpronounceable by human tongues.

72 shares on Threads this month:

I like my mornings to be slow and quiet. I want the day to romance me a bit before it tries to mess me up.

22 shares on Discord this month:

Being a reader means voluntarily signing up for fictional heartbreak, and then recommending the pain to others.

Activity Log ✨

Someone from 🇧🇯 has bookmarked:

My kids are smart but sometimes they say dumb stuff like, “Mom, why do you always buy Snickers when you’re the only one who likes them?”

Someone from 🇰🇭 has bookmarked:

I wish I could put an AirTag on my sanity.

Someone from 🇬🇼 has viewed:

She calls me Anthony Bourdain because I eat her parts unknown, no reservations.

Someone from 🇱🇺 has bookmarked:

I need like twelve incomes for this lifestyle I have in my head.

Someone from 🇻🇺 has bookmarked:

So it turns out that being an adult is mostly just Googling how to do stuff.

Someone from 🇵🇪 has downloaded:

I’m not going to die because of an accident. Nor because of an illness. But from small talk. Someone will say one boring sentence too many and I’ll drop dead.

Someone from 🇳🇮 has copied:

Sorry, can’t. I’m currently nodding in class so the teacher doesn’t feel sad.

Someone from 🇩🇰 has shared:

Autumn at last. Sitting on the sofa all day with a blanket and tea and watching movies. Just like in summer, but with a blanket and tea.

Someone from 🇺🇬 has copied:

It’s funny how drinking 8 cups of water a day seems impossible, but 7 beers and 5 shots in two hours go down like a fat kid on a seesaw.

Someone from 🇧🇿 has shared:

That uncle who kept his distance from the rest of the family will start making more sense to you as you get older.

Social Media Log 💫

Just landed via Instagram:

One thing I will never understand about adulthood is how I’m supposed to make appointments if I work full time and every place closes at 6 p.m.

Going viral on Messenger:

Every time I use a Windows computer, it’s like they built malware into the OS. Like, what do you mean there are ads in the start menu?

Making waves on Slack:

Met a microbiologist once. They’re a lot bigger than I imagined.

Live now on Pinterest:

Gender is a just a scam made by big bathroom companies to sell more bathrooms.

Freshly posted on Twitch:

Cafeteria is a beautiful name for a baby girl.

Spotted on Snapchat:

I’m broke in Monopoly, and my husband just asked if I want to earn $100.

Just landed via Snapchat:

Sorry, I wasn’t really listening but that’s awesome, unless it isn’t of course.

Breaking via WhatsApp:

Not to upset anyone, but Monday is waiting outside.

Making waves on WeChat:

My youngest had a mandatory drugs and alcohol lecture today at school, and he still can’t mix a proper drink.

Freshly posted on Twitch:

Autocorrect is like a tiny person inside your phone that sometimes gets drunk and says the dumbest things.

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I want to text this person, but I need to have shame and self-respect.

Unlike the brain, the stomach alerts you when it’s empty.

Slowly descending into madness. Anyone want anything?

Nothing says, “I love you,” like an echo chamber.

“You like talking to yourself?” God forbid I seek advice from an expert.

Get a puppy if you are in the market for a best friend who gets you up early so she can bite you excitedly.

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Activity Log ✨

I want to text this person, but I need to have shame and self-respect.

Keep the laugh going 😂

Unlike the brain, the stomach alerts you when it’s empty.

Slowly descending into madness. Anyone want anything?

Nothing says, “I love you,” like an echo chamber.

“You like talking to yourself?” God forbid I seek advice from an expert.

Get a puppy if you are in the market for a best friend who gets you up early so she can bite you excitedly.

I told a joke during a Zoom meeting today. Nobody laughed. It turns out I’m not even remotely funny.

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