I wonder how my close personal beloved friend Taylor Swift is doing today.

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I’m just a girl standing in front of a cat who followed me to the bathroom.

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If I’d married a wealthier man, I’d be lying on a fancier couch right now refusing to clean bigger rooms.

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Welcome to your 40s: here’s an extra chin.

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Wanna come over and see my mis-matched sock collection?

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I don’t wanna start the year with any negativity so if you and I have had issues in the past, apologize to me immediately.

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If you’re too open-minded, your brains will fall out.

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There are too many neglected emojis.

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I didn’t believe in karma until I was scheduled to work at 6am on a holiday.

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Welcome to the internet, where people are confidently wrong all the time.

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My dad thought Siri would be more helpful finding a lemon ricotta recipe if he used an Italian accent.