I would rather walk directly into the ocean than tell people a fun fact about myself.

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I want to be so rich that when I see a spider in my house I won’t kill it, I’d buy another house.

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Oasis didn’t just write good songs. They wrote the soundtrack for a whole generation.

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Nothing says “not interested” quite like a Restraining Order.

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This could have been an email. Me, while attending a wedding ceremony.

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Me before grocery shopping: only healthy foods, no impulse buys, I can do this. Me during grocery shopping: they make chocolate filled marshmallows?

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Nothing prepared me for how much of my adult life would be spent hiding from people I know at the grocery store.

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I’m not worried about WWIII. I’ve been feeding a crow army for three years.

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“I asked Grok.” “I asked ChatGPT.” Well, I’ve sacrificed a sheep.

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All I’m saying is, there are too many songs about love and not enough songs about evenly layered nachos.

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I plan the silliest murders in my dreams because all I have to do to get away with it is wake up.