If a company’s hiring sign says, “Come grow with us,” you’re about to do the work of 3-5 people.

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I can literally trace the moment my career died back to when my boss said he was in back-to-back meetings, and I said, “Isn’t face-to-face better?”

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Panda bears are proof that it’s okay to be kind of an idiot as long as you’re super adorable.

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I love when my grandma texts me — because I know it took her an hour.

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Never go to bed angry. Stay up and finish the argument like an adult.

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I can melt an ice cube just by staring at it. It takes a while, but I can do it.

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Ever since I was a little kid, I knew that I wanted to be late for work.

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I took a test to see if I have multiple personalities. I scored 100%, 92% and 88%.

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I wanna date someone cuter than me, but sadly I am the cutest.

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Cheer up! Your biggest mistake is probably still ahead of you.

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Remember when we had to smack the TV cause it wasn’t coming in clearly? I feel that way about too many people.